Saturday, July 11, 2009

If I don't kill her ~ one day soon she is going to kill me

It’s been a terribly difficult week, and an even worse weekend. The dissociation is worse and party girl put on her red heels and matching red lipstick and painted the town last night. And I have only a few snippet views of her dancing, flirting…’blah,blah,blah’…. I wish he would have killed me years ago! He spent all those years beating me and fucking me and I’ve taken over where he left off!

The pain has been unbearable, and I know what ‘s why the dissociation is worse – because I can’t deal with the pain so I have to go away – and I don’t really know if anyone is out there – if anyone really cares – if anyone is listening. But I feel so unbearably hopeless right now- I want someone to help me – because I can’t do it right now and I’m scared. I want to curl up in bed and stay there until it all just stops! I’m so not strong anymore…I’m exhausted and weak and waving the white flag. But no one can hear the thunder that is constantly rumbling inside of me. No one understands that the blonde sitting on the bar stool swinging her red high heels and drinking the martini someone else paid for IS NOT GRACE! I can’t find her.

I need someone to help me.
Where is everyone?
It never stops!
I wanted DT to help me, to hear me, to listen to my pain…
but I can’t even do that now- I can’t let her in.
Every single day I work so hard to just stay alive ~ and I don’t even know why.
I want to give up.
I feel so small and uncared for.


  1. Sometimes I think I sort of miss that party girl mode, which I can't do because I needed to quit drinking. But what you're saying reminds me that it's not really anything that necessarily feels good. Still, I sometimes miss the destructiveness of drinking (for me I mean--it's catastrophic for me but I know it's not for most people).

    But I do wish you felt you had someone there to help you. It's not too much to ask in life, not at all.

  2. I'm so sorry. I understand this pain...and the party girl "fire fighter" who tries to block it all out.

    I'm listening. I care.

    I have a question: Does your therapist (I think you're seeing somebody right now, right?) have experience with dissociation? I really made only marginal progress with healing until I got a T who knew about it and has worked with lots of folks who dissociate. Just a thought.

    I hope safe, gentle hugs are okay. ((((((((((((((((((((Grace)))))))))))))))))))