Thursday, July 2, 2009

What happens in the dark, stays in the dark...Like Vegas

I realize that it feels like so many things have changed re: our therapeutic relationship and that this has caused you to feel a need to change how and what you express about yourself. Naturally you are going to question my reliability, safety, willingness, etc. Please try not to lose sight of the fact that I am still the same person who seeks to help you find more compassion for yourself and less judgment, as well as methods of "healing" that allow you self respect, empowerment and reasonable expectations from others and yourself.

I welcome your expressions of who you are, were, will that in sessions, emails or voice mails.

So, again, I reiterate, that I will continue to stay with you in this journey you and I are on, while recognizing that change is part of "life". I know you are hurting, struggling, working intensely at this journey for yourself. I understand that most nights there is an intense pull to hurt yourself or express rage before sleep - coming from a place of fear - this can produce a sense of relief/release and/or power/safety. There is no place for shame in this, simply understanding, compassion and persistence toward building new experiences and beliefs. OK? Feeling "defeated" is temporary and you will discover another piece to the puzzle cause the pieces are around. They just aren't understandable with the current pieces you have in place.

G-night Grace,

Dear DT:
You declare: I welcome your expressions of who you are, were, will that in sessions, emails or voice mails.
And I retort: the more honest, trusting, ‘open’ & vulnerable I became, the more you “changed” things and (seemingly) implemented restrictions and limitations during a time I felt like I need the direction the most. Therefore, I, as you say, “feel a need to change how and what you (I) express”.

I do not ‘question’ who you are, or your ‘desire’ to help me, or your ‘care’ - and conceivably you could be the same person now that you have always been – and possibly my ‘vision’ of who I *thought* you were then was inaccurate. That’s certainly possible.

My life was so much easier when I didn’t let myself ‘feel’ – when I stayed busy, when I could separate myself from the past. I was born an adult and nothing that happened before I was an adult happened to me – she was a different person with a different life – a girl I hated, a girl I still hate. When I feel her, I envision her standing in front of me, in all her 5 year old glory, and I visualize myself punching her in the face and telling her to fuck off and leave me the hell alone! I hate her, I can’t stand her, I don’t accept her, I won’t want to see her, feel her, or be anywhere near her! And neither does anyone else. We hate her! And I don’t want to feel what she feels, I don’t want to see what she shows me – she’s messed up and broken.

And every night when the little lonely, crybaby shows up – the tough angry girl beats the shit out of her! Each night, alone and in the dark, “we handle it” because that’s what we’re supposed to do – so that’s what happens – she has to shut up and we shut her up. Because it’s not like we can reason with her– we can’t say, “You’re ‘ok’, just go to bed, stop crying, no one else is here to help you, you’ll be fine. All is well…” and then everyone holds hands and sings kum-by-ya. It doesn’t work like that. Because truly, no one wants to hear what she has to say…and if we don’t “deal with it” – she’ll cry all night long…and we all know that she could stand on top of mount Everest and scream at the top of her lungs, “HELP ME! I CAN’T DO IT! PLEASE HELP ME! PLEASE KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME! I CAN’T BREATHE!” No one will hear her & no one cares – because frankly, we know that you used to hear her and she would listen to you, she would read what you wrote, she reached out and you’d be there, and she felt comforted and safe…but really, the rest of us hate her and want her to die.

So, each night we try to kill her – and that’s that…and like many things, “it’s out of my control”. And if that sounds like we’re ‘crying for attention’ – well that’s not the case – we are dealing with it. And you won’t hear a ‘peep’ out of that kid, I can guarantee you that! And when angry bitch shows up, she won’t *attack* you - we’ve had that chat… but what happens in the dark of the night stays in the dark of the night. Period... Like Vegas.

So, I appreciate your declaration that you’ll “stay in this” and will again avow that I am crystal clear on your limitations and guidelines and availability, and I will adhere to them, to the best of my ability. But I will state again, that my disclosure of some things, and your reaction to those confessions, did feel like I was being ‘shamed’ by you (DBT, no longer available when you’re working at the hospital, or at night, no email responses (for awhile) only *phone contact*) and your changes, did feel like a lack of compassion…and your persistence in adhering to your strict guidelines did feel like abandonment.

Mostly to that stupid whiny scared little twit of a 5 year old who depended on you, saw you as a sort of mother figure – felt ‘safe’ and ‘calm’ when she would reach for you and you were there. And angry bitch lashed out at you because of the whiny brat crying when you were no longer there because you ‘were’ there and now you’re not and crybaby can’t ‘get’ it and won’t listen to anyone else. But I understand you still care and all that shit….and we’ll take care of the stupid crybaby -the little girl that we still hate – and eventually she’ll get it too – and she’ll finally stop crying for you, and then she’ll shut up for GOOD! So, there – we’ve all worked it out! Is everyone happy? No- but you can’t make everyone happy – right DT?

Sweet Dreams, no Nightmares,
~ Grace

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