Sunday, July 26, 2009

Erase Me

i've decided that i'm no longer worthy of capitalization of the letter "I", when referencing myself. Why? Who knows, but that's what i decided. Save the importance of the punctuation and correct grammar for one who deserves such recognition. There's something physically tangible to the depression i'm feeling. It's stopping me from doing things i used to do.

i still can't sleep! There's really no point, because even if i lay down, i end up getting out of bed again. Then i watch pointless late-night infomercials selling everything from jewelry to face cream that will miraculously make all blemishes disappear. The infomercials on weight loss fascinate me, though. i study the "before" and "after" pictures, trying to determine if the two pictures are really the same person. i look at hair color, smile, eyes. i wonder how many other people are up late, watching TV, trying to picture themselves 50 pounds lighter—even though the fine print at the bottom of the screen says, "results not typical". i wonder how many people ignore that, thinking that they, too, can be a success story. Maybe this process of “healing” is the same way. Maybe it won’t work

There really are no "good" days, just different levels of "bad". i am so frustrated with things changing every single day! Monday – let's do it this way, Tues – let's try this. "Think outside the box" , "embrace change", "Gotta go with it, the train has already left the station." i feel like i'm on the edge.

There's this gradual darkening, like something is closing around me. i can feel the tears choking me, threatening to fall should i let them. It's overwhelming! i want to bang my head in to the wall, cut, punch something. Physical pain is much easier to handle.i don't know – just an overwhelming feeling of "aloneness" – nowhere to go, nowhere to turn, it's like I'm trapped somewhere between reality and my own mind.

DH and i had another 'discussion' this morning. i don't even remember how it first started, and i know he thinks i'm crazy~ i can't handle my own problems? (He did not say those words) Then he made a comment that i'm "vanishing" right in front of him. Asked me what's left if i let every part of me disappear? i told him, "me", and left it at that (but i don’t know who ‘me’ is ~ who is the real “grace”?). He doesn't get it though. Doesn't get that part. Use it all up. Strip it all away. Whatever is real is what remains in the end. What if that's nothing?

Fear. It keeps me locked inside my own little world, destroying the courage, the strength it takes to escape. It feels like i've been fighting back tears nearly every day for the last several weeks. Everything seems to get to me. Every song i hear every thought in my head. I can’t tame the girls inside me. And i try harder and harder to keep the tears from falling. To stop the thoughts, the unidentifiable feelings inside that bring me to this point. Even as i sit here writing, the screen in front of me is blurry. Out of focus from the tears threatening to fall. Where the hell is the exit? It's getting harder and harder to find, harder and harder to believe an exit exists in the first place.

And i'm dying a little more each day. i am disappearing.

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