Saturday, July 18, 2009

You don't "understand" or "realize" how "difficult" it is...You have no idea!

DT tells me: Yes, I know that you are still in a he** of alot of pain. I realize that just because you are limiting and censoring the nature of your emails, does not mean that you are feeling or doing any better
DT said: I wanted to acknowledge your email…I hear how you are working at soothing yourself and "riding the waves" as I say. I know that when you don't email or call is not always an indication that you are "doing ok". If fact, I realize that you are working hard at learning how to live with the big ups and downs of trauma memories/belies and strong emotions
DT "recognizes: While I realize that in your emails you have often asked me to not state that I recognize how hard some nights can be, like last night, I am going to at least acknowledge it. I know that there are many, many nights in which you see yourself with very few options to "get through the nights", so I simply want you to remember that I have not forgotten this.

DT validates my *reality* I recognize you had a VERY difficult night last night. I realize that you still weigh the options of living vs dying and that this continues to plague you on a daily basis.

DT, I really do appreciate your ‘support’, ‘in the limited ways that you can’ – but really, as far as the nightly ritual that goes on for me…you don’t “realize” anything, so, please do not say any of the following when speaking to me about my nights in hell, of which you truly no nothing about: Understand, Recognize, Know….because I find it mocking, in a “yeah, yeah, I get it – you’re in *pain* thinking about killing yourself…I get it – now STFU about it!” *DT eye roll*

You don't "realize" or "understand" it at all, DT. You used to be there when the 5 year old baby would reach for you, but then you decided that you shouldn’t be – so you are no longer there when she reaches for you. Like, we’ve been there, DT….So, since you are NOT there, with me, in hell – nightly – and I don’t really email you or speak of it right now - I’d like it if you didn’t say that you “understand my nightly pain” – if you wouldn’t mind. Because you’re “pretending to understand” or trying to “validate” what I go through at night – probably has the opposite effect on me than the message you intend. I think it's best if I just continue to do what I do what I have to do to "get through" the night - until I make the decision that I can't anymore - and not provide detail of what that is - or if it's "better" or "worse" than before (out of fear of your “changes”) and you just let it be - because to say you realize it? Well, that really isn't least from my perspective.

And for the record, when you say, "You don't have to hurt yourself before you go to bed." It just pisses me off – because really – you’re not *here* with us, so how would you know what we “have” to do? I get that you just try to give me "hope" by saying that - but it doesn't work - there's no hope at night - I just roll the dice and whatever happens/happens. When the tornados are swirling all around me, and the winds are blowing 80MPH, and I'm being hit with sharp objects - I don't care how many times you try to give me "hope" - in those moments, hope doesn't come into play.

So as I have explained to you, I will respect your new boundaries and 'limitations' – of not being there for me at night…you know, because now you have a boyfriend who needs your attention... Just as you "pretend" to accept me. I get it!
You need your "DF-Free space” and I don't need to hear the bullshit of "if you can't keep yourself safe, I will have to take measures"
"you must go to DBT"
"I won't email""go have some tea"
"shut up or drug up"
blah blah blah
yada yada yada

For the record, I will tell you that I did try the "ice cube" thing last night - and um, sorry to report that it doesn't work the way Marsha said it would. - so I can't endorse it.

I do appreciate what you do to try to help me, but I also recognize that you may change or be gone tomorrow - so I "trust" you in the "limited ways that I can" - not like before - nor will I ever trust you like I did before you changed, never again! It's your "job" to listen and pretend not to judge and act like you "care", nod empathetically, and tell me I'm not a "bad" person...and I, "the client" am supposed to somehow incorporate into my brain that because you "pretend" to care and accept me, that I should "accept" myself too - and allow others "in" because somehow the fact that I pay you to listen and validate and care about the 'uncarable' - is supposed to help me 'accept' myself. Thank you for helping me understand all that. It's better that way. The stupid little 5 year old whore is kind of getting it that she can't depend on you to 'help' her anymore at night - and soon she'll shut the hell up - and understand that she can't depend on anyone, ever, ever, ever! And anyone who actually tries to get her to depend upon them is a fucking liar!

So i think we're good now…DT…

But, please, no more that you "understand" or "realize" what I "feel" at night - that would be like me telling a Holocaust survivor that I "understand" and "realize" how painful it was to live in a concentration camp. You know NOTHING of the horror that goes on for me in the dark – so don’t say you do!


Thanks for *hearing* me, ~ Grace

Words Grace typed to DT, but erased and did not say:
Its no different now then it was then. Not really. Just try to breathe- sometimes pretend you're somewhere else- pray for a moment of peace- and start all over again. Wish there was someone to help- all the while realizing that there isn't. Its no different now. Sometimes I forget how much it sucked- how much it hurt. But I get to be reminded every night.

1 comment:

  1. your five-old old is not a whore--i have to argue with that one. it's not right to say that about her. not that i don't understand the feeling --i was jokingly calling part of myself a "baby seductress whore" so I'm not one to talk in a way. but i also know it's not right, that little girls can't be whores--there's no such thing.

    i don't really like the "you don't have to hurt yourself"/"there are other things you can do" comments (my therapist says it that way) either. sometimes i feel like i do have to, like i'll be annihilated if i don't. other times it's different. i think it's pretty tough though with dissociation, because i lose touch sometimes in those moments and can't see anything else.