I had lunch with my friend L today. L is my friend who will “tell it like it is” no matter what (not in a rude way, but she isn’t that friend who just agrees with you no matter what you say…I like that about her). It’s been such a long time since L and I have really “talked” ~ so it was really nice to catch up with her. We always go to the same restaurant and we always sit at the same table…silly, I know, but it’s “familiar”. I’ve been in a really bad place for awhile (really, captain obvious, I hadn’t noticed!) so having lunch with L was really something I really needed today.
We talked about everything! Christmas, how much her parents spoiled her during the holidays, her BF…and then the dreaded topic of *therapy* came up. I told L about the fact that I’ve been really f’d up since I shared way too much of myself with the therapist, and then about the onions and the cat thing, and then the fact that she forgot Grace last Friday~ thing…and on and on…and she actively listened to me.
And when I had finished speaking, she said, “Grace, you do realize that if it wouldn’t have been the onions, you would have found another reason to be pissed at the therapist. You felt like you shared too much of yourself, which made you uncomfortable, you got scared, and so you’re now trying to find a reason to pull away, to push her away, to really piss her off so she will tell you to go away….instead of really dealing with the real problems.”
“Yes”, I told L, “But then the therapist said she would be patient again, and I hate that because I want her to tell me to F off because I am so mean and disgusting! And I know she thinks that too – and she just won’t say it. NO ONE is that patient! And I’m not getting any better. I mean, I haven’t SI’d in over 3 months – but I think about it all the time, and I think about SUI all the time...and I have so much time late at night that I don’t remember but I’m not asleep – and I just don’t think I can get better.”
L told me that she does think the therapist knows what’s going on with me, and why I’m *acting out* right now, and that if I haven’t pushed the therapist away with the behavior I exhibited in 2008 and early 2009 then she ain’t going to leave now –and I have to learn to be patient with myself, just like the therapist has said she will be patient with me. L said that she KNOWS I am better now than I was 2 years ago – because she has been there to witness it.
I don’t know…I love L and I treasure her friendship and I trust her… and I know she made some honest and valid points today…but I just feel freakin’ lost! And tired! Ya know? Like I feel like I paddle so fast and hard to get upstream and then I stop for a minute and I’m suddenly back to where I started. I don’t know the answers. But L got me to eat something which is more than I’ve been able to do for myself in nearly 4 days… And she’s right – about the therapist. I know that. And yet still…there’s doubt. And I'm still scared.
I'm glad you spent some time with your friend, I was worrying about you. I have a question for you. If your therapist would tell you to F off because you are so mean and disgusting, what would that tell you, ... really? Would that reinforce what someone else told you when you were a child? Would that tell you that you are right, in that no one can care about you or should care about you? I know that would be "familiar", but not true. You have every right to be cared about and to trust.
ReplyDeleteI wish you could discuss that with your therapist. She is there to help you, please trust her until you have a concrete reason not to trust her.
Hi Grace,
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time here, but this post resonated with me. When I disclose "too much" or am assertive, I want to shut everyone out expecially my therapist. I want to cancel and I have the same thoughts and "act out." He says, that when I disclose too much or assert myself that I take three step forward and two back, but the movement is still forward. Knowing that this is just how I deal with things has helped me to be more gentle with myself...it has taken a long time to get here though.
Sounds like a good friend to have. None of my friends know about my therapy, I wonder what that would be like.
ReplyDeleteI don't think your therapist is going to tell you to F off, no matter what you do, ever. Do you think you can accept that?