Monday, May 18, 2009

What a good little Gracie...she 'worked it out by herself tonight'.

I hurt myself on Sunday night. I tried to reach out to DT but she wasn’t available (as usual). I did leave her a voicemail. Tonight DT emailed…..

I recognize that you had a VERY difficult night last night. I realize that you still weigh the options of living vs dying and that this continues to plague you on a daily basis. You are angry at me for many things and I will continue to do my best to listen, while I realize that often doesn't make things any better or different for you. Try to keep in touch with the other parts of you that also need attention and a voice. These "parts" of you are just as worthy and important. I was glad to get your voice mail from your 11:30pm call and I realize that you did what you felt was your only option. I would like to clarify that the 24 hour post-self injury rule pertains to phone contact. Your sessions are still also available to you as scheduled. I have you scheduled at 12:30 on Wed... so i will see you then.

Grace replied:
DT, Thanks... and I wish it mattered to me still that you were 'listening' as you say you are (to the best of your ability)...but it no longer does. I'm too tired. I don't want to talk anymore, I'm all talked out - and it hasn't done a lick of I don't want to talk anymore. I just need it to be over. Realizing you did your best - which is always *good enough*'s just not working.
Regards, Grace


But, no worries…Grace has “worked it out”!
I took a handful of ativan (they're really tiny and only .5mg each) and I'm getting ready to take a couple of seroquel - so hopefully she'll be asleep and therefore unable to fly into a borderline rage at her perception of DT's absence of care.

YEAH! Gracie is "Dealing With It" What a "good" girl she is! What a good little girl.....

Now let me go tuck her into bed before she's not conscious enough to walk up the stairs....


  1. Grace, are you okay?? I just got back from out of town and caught up with you. I am so sorry that you have had such a terribly hard weekend! I have been there, too. In that awful horrible place of not wanting to be ANYwhere, because there seems to be nowhere where the pain is not. No escape! I know how terribly frustrating it is. You are doing the best you can. I don't think anyone else can tell you what you should and shouldn't be able to do. That's just not fair, because they are not inside with you. They can't really KNOW what's going on in there. And I know how utterly exhausting it is. That tiredness and despair that just wants to take over. When I get that way I try try try to focus on my kids. Because I can't pull out for myself. I am SO sorry that you are where you are, and I hope that you are okay?? You can do this!

    (( hugs ))

  2. Grace!

    I am too concerned along with Tracy!!

    Dear one please respond to us to let us know you are okay!!!

    ((((safe hugs))))
    We care!!!!

  3. I'm worried about you too. Please let us know how you are when you can.

    I don't know what else to say exactly because the kind of pain you're in is truly terrible and I understand why you need to escape it. I just hope you are still with us. I do know that you have a lot to offer the world. I would miss your voice so much if it went away.

  4. My DEEPEST apologies for not responding sooner. Still wandering the earth....lost & afraid...alternating between states of melancholy & apathy.

    I'm so sorry, to my virtual friends, my intention of this post was not to concern anyone, just trying to 'blog it out'.

    I so appreciate each of you for your care and comments - it does help me. Unfortunately I don't feel the same from DT - she never even followed up with me...nor did she call me back after I left her a VM asking her to call me. So I didn't go to my appt today...Gee Grace - doesn't that seem like punishing yourself? Sure does - I've become quite good at that....
    I'll be back shortly.

    Thanks to each of you for caring....

    ~ Grace

  5. Hi Grace, I'm so glad that you are still hanging in there. No apologies necessary. You just need to take care of you.

    That punishment cycle is awful, too. I hope you can break out of it soon. It's a terrible place to be. I know it doesn't really help to hear other people say it, but you really do deserve better.

  6. So glad to see you reappeared dear!! We are all here for you dear one!!

    ((((safe hugs)))))