Happy Birthday, Gracie ~ You are loved

Today is my birthday. I find it difficult to celebrate the day I came into this world…an unwanted and unloved child who was born to serve the needs of others and to suffer abuse at the hands of those who were supposed to be protectors. The thought of celebrating that birth doesn’t make me want to break out the piñata.
But others in my life had a different point of view and chose to celebrate my birthday because they wanted to celebrate me. My day started at 4:50am, when my dear husband leaned over and with a gentle kiss on the cheek wished me happy birthday before leaving for work. At 6:30a my beautiful son and daughter wished me happy birthday, complete with birthday hugs and kisses.
Upon arriving at work, I opened my office door to find a gorgeous hand crafted birthday cake made of roses that my administrative assistant left for me. It was breathtaking and it touched my heart to know that she thought that much of my birthday, a day that was really never mentioned when I was a child. I had gift cards for movie theaters, cards from the office and a spa gift certificate from the staff. My direct reports took me to lunch…I couldn’t believe that I meant that much to people in my work life.

My Birthday Cake of "Roses"

I had emails and voicemails and text messages from friends wishing me happy birthday. I even had a friend leave a singing message on my phone. My friends made me feel cared for and appreciated.
I had an appointment with dear therapist this afternoon. Last week she suggested we think about making mother’s day and my birthday into something positive and angry girl balked at that idea ~ how would we go about doing that? The facts are the facts. I was never wanted. My mother ingrained that into my head very early on, and she never let me forget it. During our appointment I was sharing with DT how I was trying to ‘take care’ of all of us at night, efforts at being ‘proactive’ to head off the storm before it hits the coast of Grace. I made a book with specific things DT has said to me in emails past, things that comforted all of us, made us feel cared for and wanted. Made us feel like we mattered. I showed her this book today and she seemed impressed at the effort I put into making it.

Comfort Journal

Then she reached behind her and handed me a box. Inside the box was an angel. A “May” angel. The card attached says this, “May is represented by the Emerald, ‘gem of hope’. May’s positive energy blossoms like a sunflower in sunshine’s beam. Patient and calm, May’s angel embraces others with confidence and constant love.” I didn’t know what to say to DT. Tears forming in my eyes, I looked her, and thank you didn’t seem like enough. I am never speechless, but in this moment, I couldn’t express how much it meant to me that she thought about my birthday, and she recognized how hard it is for me, and she cares. She listens and she cares. And I love her for that. I love her for staying with me through all of this. She puts up with so much from me, so much that she doesn’t deserve. She is the recipient of the rage I feel toward my mother, the sadness I feel when frightened and alone. She gets it all! Believe me! And still sticks around and tells me I’m not crazy…and it will be ‘ok’.

May Angel

Tonight DT sent me an email as she does every Monday night: "Grace, You will be ok and you are not "crazy". I am thankful to have been a part of your 38th Bday if only in session and in thoughts. Be good to all of "you" tonight...! I insist! Happy Birthday to every little, big, mature, immature, smart, inexperienced, mad, sad, happy part of you! Dear Therapist."

Today, Grace feels loved. Happy Birthday, Gracie. You got through today with Grace & Style! And you are loved...