Friday, May 15, 2009

Around, and around, and around, it goes...where it stops, nobody knows

Choose your destiny – spin the wheel!Where will it land…*spinning*spinning*spinning*…and the choices are flashing before your eyes…*Moderate self-hatred*
*Complete self-loathing**Suicidal Thoughts**Self-Injury happens now*
*Needs work, but getting there*
*On a healing path**Give it up girl!*
*Just do it already*

Spin the wheel – around and around and around it goes – where it will stop nobody knows…
I want to punish myself. I want to punish myself for not eating, punish myself for eating. I want to punish myself for vomiting, I want to punish myself when I don’t vomit. I want to punish myself for punishing myself. I am so tired of myself! Everything is the same – and I’m sorry to sound so cliché but everything hurts right now. So I sit here wanting to die and wanting to live. I sit here begging to not feel this aching pain anymore. I am tired of being such a needy person.

Sometimes I feel like there’s no place in this world for me. I feel useless – Like I’m just taking up space. What do you have at the end of the day when you feel so worn out and alone because you’ve blocked everyone out and all you have as fuel to go on is self hate and a small spark of hope that gets smaller and grows fainter each day? So many days I cannot come up with a way to release the emotion that has built up inside of me.

If I could just quiet the voices in my head maybe I would be able to clearly hear the voice that is saying, “help me”. But I’m terrified of that voice – asking for help takes away control. My mind will take a memory and provide running commentary in my head that takes me back to a place where I don’t want to be. And the little *movies* that seem to appear at any time and send me back to a part of my past that I pray I can just forget. Most of them seem just as powerful, if not more powerful, today as they were when they happened and they send my mind into an emotional straight jacket that I don’t know if I can escape from.

I am afraid all of the time.

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