Sunday, May 3, 2009

I won't want 'opposite emotion' I want *No Emotion*

Last week was one of those weeks where you have to reach up to touch bottom. I have transference with dear therapist to the degree that now when I don’t get a response from her via email, I start calling her the ‘host body’ which is what I call my bio mother. And then suddenly every single thing she does, or doesn’t do, becomes, in my mind, everything my mother neglected or allowed happen to me in my childhood and late at night, when either the sad or especially the angry little girl is in charge…it can spiral out of control in just a few seconds.
During my T appointment on Friday, I told her that I sometimes feel like she doesn’t believe me when I tell her how difficult things are for me, that when I email her or call her, I feel like I am an inconvenience, and as an adult, I should be an adult and be able to keep myself in check. And that’s why she doesn’t answer…but (as I see it) ‘gently avoids’ me until the adult Grace is back in charge. She said that she does believe me and doesn’t think I’m being dramatic or manipulative. She told me that she prefers to talk to me on the phone, rather than email, because it’s easier for her to ‘access’ how I’m really doing. And when we do talk on the phone, or even if I leave her a voicemail, she can see how I go from angry, to sad, to logical, to crying, to happy and back to angry …in 2 or 3 minutes.

And when I have these moments of ‘adult Grace logic’ appear, I find myself wondering if I need to have my medications evaluated again. But then I also wonder if any medication is going to help, long term anyway. When DT suggests this, I get angry because I feel like anytime I question or express behavior outside the ‘norm’ of society acceptance, it’s because my meds aren’t at the right levels, blah, blah, blah. So maybe I should go see PDOC and ask for a new cocktail of drugs so mind-numbing I’ll be able to watch a 5 year old girl being raped (which I see almost every night! And the 5 year old is ME!)…in broad daylight and still be *grounded* and *emotionally regulated* enough to appreciate the flowers blooming in the background. “Would you look at those gorgeous roses…oh, excuse me, sir; could you please throw the kid about 7 feet to the left…you are obstructing my view of the pansies. And sir, she’s bleeding – I would sure hate to see the flower garden ruined with the blood of an innocent child ~ that would be a shame.” Screw opposite emotion – I want “NO EMOTION”! Because the children within me who act out their rage and sadness to the host body (aka: dear therapist) lead her to question our overall sanity, which could put all of us in an uncomfortable situation.

DT SAYS: I understand what you are saying and I hear your rage. If your thoughts and behavior continue to become increasingly unmanageable, I am suggesting that we need to meet more often. It is either this, or we explore the hospital. I know you are angry at me and my inability to take away all the pain that you have had, and continue, to endure. I can take your anger and I will happily take the anger you have at *bio host body* and *pedophile step-father*, because I would rather contain it versus you taking it out on yourself. In addition to our appointment on Wed I have session times open on Th/Fri mid and late morning till 2pm this week. I would like you to pick a day and time and let me know.

And I will NOT go into the hospital! That will not happen! So, I now need to come up with a plan.

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