Monday, May 25, 2009

I seem to have found myself in quite a pickle

I did something really stupid last night....but in my dissociative state it seemed a necessary thing - and something I couldn't stop.

I don't think I can stay safe unless I take some drastic measures - and I don't quite know what that needs to entail. I don't know what I need but I'm overwhelmed with everything right now - it's like I have no skin sensory department is on high alert. My skin feels as though it's on fire. I'm unable to regulate my breathing...and it feels like no one cares.

And if no one cares, why should I? There's really no need, is there? What do I offer except the usual burdensome borderline CPTSD traits? Which seem to grate on everyone - even those trained and being paid to deal with.

I can't do this by myself. I can't. I tried and it leads only to more self-destruction. I don't know the answer and apparently DT seems to think her newly *stringent boundaries* are the that leaves me to have to find my own way. Which when those within take over...typically involves something self-destructive.... so I hold on for the ride - and just wait to see if the car jumps the track.

Around and around and around it goes...where it stops... I surely do not know!


  1. Grace please take care of hard as it is for you to trust DT, a lot of the time other people see things we do not and do not understand. I find it with myself also, that there comes a time when I do have to trust someone IRL. Right now it is my T. and other close people who understand what I am going through. Many many many many times I question what they see and I do not. But their perception is much more clearer than I, and I first have to come to the realization of that first to let them in. I do not mean to sound 'all high and mighty' here dear one, but I just want to share what I struggle with.

    (((((Safe Hugs))))

  2. Grace, but people DO care about you. I care about you, and I've never even met you. :) You know your kids care, and your husband. My daughter said to me out of the blue (oddly enough when I was having a really hard time), "Mama, if you died then I would cry so hard that my face would turn red, that I would never stop crying." I'm sure your kids feel as strongly for you.

    Have you ever tried that exercise where you list out the negative things you say to yourself and replace each one with more positive things? So when you find yourself saying the negatives, you literally just refer to the list, and replace it? Do you think it could help?

    I have never been in therapy, so I realize I have no qualifications to say this, but just wondering if you don't feel like you're making progress with a therapist, then at what point do you find a new one?

    Hang in there! Sending continued support your way...

  3. sometimes its hard to know people care when you are so downtrodden

  4. JBR, yes, we all have our demons to fight, don't we? And, BTW, I've never experienced you "rambling" ~I take in whatever you say!

    Tracy, thank you...I was first going to comment, "You care about me because you don't know me" - but I know that isn't really true. I know you mean what you say...and I appreciate your care. I have not tried that exercise - but it does sound like it might be helpful!
    ~ Grace

    JIP, Yes, when you're at the bottom, trying to reach up and at the same time discount all that your head is telling sure does feel like no one cares or hears you. ~ Grace

    mile191, thank you for being here...I know you've had a rough time lately too, and it means a lot to me that you still can find the words to support me.
    ~ Grace