Wednesday, May 13, 2009

It would be so easy to let go...

I walk a dreadfully narrow & fragile tight rope and there often there is no safety net beneath me. And as such, a slight wind will often make me stumble and fall right back into the cavernous black hole that I spent a significant amount of time climbing out of. I used to be so thick skinned, but my skin seems to have been scoured into a transparent epidermis that now barely covers my flesh. And I don’t know why words seem to rip right through that now clear layer of covering and sear through the sensitive tissue beneath. But they do, and just like that, I am back in a place where I feel like I must punish myself. And I want to feel the pain externally on my body because the interpretations of the verbal words I hear resonate through me and each time the words are repeated, the internal pain increases.

And it doesn’t stop there. The words become thoughts and the thoughts turn into internal voices that torture me and say terrible things. They torment me and tell me that I am worthless, that I will never be able to get through this, that I am a bad, filthy little girl and I deserved everything that happened to me. And the truth is that I can’t find a voice to tell me that isn’t true and it then feels commonsensical and spot on to me. And the frightened little Gracie says, “I know mother, I deserve to be hurt. You should let him hurt me because I am bad. I will always be bad.”

During the day I manage to quiet the voices, and push them deep down inside of me because I have to function during the day, I cannot allow myself to fall apart. But every day I am a virtual time bomb that cannot be disarmed, and when the darkness falls, the device beeps and I blow up. And the reality is there is a gaping chasm between ‘healing’ and where I am right now. And frankly, I’m not even sure healing is possible. And I want to give up. I work so hard to climb out of the darkness, back onto the tightrope, toward the light, only to have something else knock me back off again.

When that all too familiar wind blows and knocks me from the rope, I try to hang on. I try not to allow myself to fall completely into the darkness, the place where there is no shred of hope left. But I often wonder what it is I’m holding on to, and what I’m holding on for. And I don’t know why I’m still holding on. Not anymore.

There are too many competing voices. They all have wants and needs and I’m too tired to listen to them anymore. They will never become one. They are too different to be integrated. And I’m so tired. And the rope is burning through the already thin layer of skin on the palms of my hands and it hurts and I want to let go. I want to let go. I want to let go of the rope and the pain and the anger. I want to let go of the depression and the tears and the fear. There’s no balance now, there’s only vertigo, and it’s so hard to hang on.

It would be so easy to just let go.


  1. My dear Grace. You are so very raw and I walk right beside you with hearing and listening to your deep groanings. No, it will not be easy to just let it go.....but it can be done dear one. All in time. I know you have so many negative voices in your head that you are baffled and confused....and at the same time very very very tired! I hear you dear one. My heart continues to cry out to you and lift you up in prayer as best as I can at this point. You are not forgotten!

    Blessings and ((((safe hugs))))

  2. Hi Grace, maybe you are holding on for your kids? That's who I hold on for. I was just thinking yesterday, that I am just so tired of trying to hold it all together. I know how it just takes everything out of you. There never seems to be enough time to process anything. I am sorry that you are feeling it.

    It is obvious you are a beautiful and caring person. And you said something to me that has really helped me and that I think will stay with me for a long time. You said, "courage is stronger than fear." And you're right.

    What I am trying to say, is that while you may be tired, even really tired, I just wanted you to know that really are helping people, by sharing your thoughts here. I think of you every day, and I hope that you are doing well.

  3. JBR, Thank you for coming here to comment when you are in the middle of your own struggles. It means so much to me.

    Tracy, Thank you so much for your comments, and for your compliments. Yes, courage is stronger than fear. I think I said that to myself 100x this morning. And the thought that I am helping others is truly what keeps me going....

    My heart (altho - it is in pieces..)
    ~ Grace