Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Where the hell is the 'recall' button?...Can someone PLEASE keep those girls off the computer!

I don’t know who gave the angry, irrational, shattered children my email password, but they have run amuck and are way out of control! I don’t know when I lost control of them…well, I’m actually not sure if I ever HAD control of them, but I need to get a plan together to reign them in before we all end up on the psych ward!

You may think it’s as simple as, hey Grace, why don’t you just change your password. Well, I tried that. I even set up a ‘fake DT’ email address thinking in their extreme distress and despair, they could use that one and then all the crazy borderline emails would actually go into cyberspace, never to be read and analyzed by DT. But they caught onto that after a couple of days… I tried to reason with my faithful canine friend, offering him a pound of bacon if he would keep an eye on these girls at night and at any sign of distress (be it crying, labored breathing, moaning, rocking, childish temper tantrum) a good face licking might be as good as a dousing of cold water to chill them out. Needless to say, the past 2 weeks, the bacon remains uncooked and uneaten as Mr. Canine has not been able to hold them at bay either. He’s adorable and loyal ~ but he’s also male…and not always in tune with the girls ‘feelings’.

If I can successfully coerce the girls into bed at a reasonable hour than I can head off the borderline rage at the pass, but often times they are afraid to sleep because of the nightmares and they become frightened and angry, alone in their despair and then I wake up to a colossal mess that takes hours to clean up! Each morning, I slowly walk down the stairs, eyes bloodshot and squinting, wondering what kind of chaos they have left from their ‘slumber party’. I find empty wine bottles, lip-stick stained glasses & Kleenex thrown about the kitchen and family room. There’s the occasional broken glass that needs to be swept up and hidden in the garbage. Then I try to assess what other damage they may have done. I start by looking for any sign of blood or band aids…then I count the anti-anxiety meds to see how many are missing. I clean up the pillows that have been strewn about in anger, collect the crumpled paper trail left behind, review the written journal I keep, and then I hold my breath as I sign onto the laptop…and log into my email. It is in my sent box where I can see the true evidence of the irrational behavior from the previous night. And as I go through each one, I can see who has come forward to express her ‘feelings’ that have been left unspoken for over 30 years.

At times it’s only the angry one, lashing out in hate, expressing feelings of abandonment and loathe at being abused and unheard all these years. The more she drinks the more irrational and angry she becomes. Other nights, the sad, scared little girl begs the substitute host body (DT) to help her. And from her writing it’s clear that she doesn’t understand why there’s no one answering her cries. Other times, the sarcastic little devil shows up looking for something, anything she can grasp on to and run with, leaving trails of mockery and cynicism behind. I can also see evidence of the creative one, writing comically her thoughts on DBT, therapy, psych meds, the mental health profession, and especially Ms. Marsha Linehan (she despises that woman & everything she stands for). I also find her poking fun at me and all my despair through her writing.

I have learned to tell the difference in their writing styles over the years and I can tell who writes what but what I cannot seem to do is keep them off of the computer! I have verbally revoked their email privileges several times but they are all willful and defiant, and my lectures seem to go in one ear and out the other. I am at my wit’s end…we’re already in therapy! DT and I try to work with them to gain some sort of cohesiveness and DT has been more than patient with all of them. She is a virtual punching bag most night as they lash out again and again, crying out in anger, fear, sadness, sarcasm, hopelessness and shame.

An Example of Angry Girl expressing her ‘feelings’: “Coming out of this kind of a purposeful, proactive weekend into a tough day at work and DBT class, is quite naturally and likely going to lead you to want to release emotions, be heard, validated and understood...” REALLY BECAUSE i DON'T FEEL HEARD, VALIDATED OR UNDERSTOOD TONIGHT.
“Just make some space for it if you can and try not to clamp down on it or amplify it. It is ok to feel intense anger and resentment..see if you can just watch it. Sometimes the anger will transform into sadness which might be a bit easier to comfort your "selves" through.” UM, THIS IS DBT BULLSHIT - WHICH I THOUGHT WE AGREED THAT WE WOULDN'T DO SINCE IT REALLY SERVES NO PURPOSE AS FAR AS 'SOOTHING' GOES - IT JUST CHAPS MY ASS! AND MARSHA SAID IN HER VIDEO TONIGHT THAT SADNESS IS BAD BAD BAD! BUT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN 'ANGER' IS JUSTIFIED. AND SINCE SHE IS THE ALL- KNOWING (AS I SEE IT: THERE'S GOD, JESUS, MARSHA AND THEN THE HOLY SPIRIT) OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE (INCLUDING YOU!) SEEM TO THINK! TIP: DON'T DRINK THE KOOL-AID IF MARSHA OFFERS IT!

Sad/Scared little one: DTI’m too scared to go to sleep Tonight. Y don't u care anymore? Y urnt u here? I'm scared to go 2 sleep. It will never endIt won't gte btr-now u don't care u left me here alone with him That wasn't nice. Y did u do that? Becuz I was bad. I'm bad. I can't go to sleep. And I'm scared . Nothing is wkn tonite. I don't feel goodAnd I'm scared to sleep. My body hurts. My jaw hurts. I want my gramma. It hurts to much To tired. Nobody hears me. I don't matter

DT has been helpful in that she is willing to try different things and even offer suggestions…and we try different things. But it seems like the problem is that what works for angry girl, doesn’t work for sad girl…and so forth. So I think the key now is to find some sort of synthesis between all of the girls, a cohesiveness of some sort, so that they can all feel heard and yet not go borderline at night. As soon as I figure out what that is….I’ll let ya know.

Because right now these girls are maniacs!

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