Thursday, May 28, 2009


Pull up a chair and I'll tell you as best I can. I hope you have some time, though, because the story isn't short and sweet. I have always been a 10 words, or less, kinda gal, but life isn't really about 10 words or less, is it?

The demons inside my head continue to scream for release. Eventually, they will tear me to pieces~ there is nothing I, or anyone else, can do about that. The nightmares are horrendous, the shame unspeakable. My jaw aches, my head hurts, I am constantly screaming and slamming stuff around, cursing myself out...I'm surprised I haven't been carted off to the loony bin.

I'm really not well. The all-consuming parts of me have drown out the logical adult Grace and she is no where to be found. If I could only identify where they reside in my body, I could cut them out. I'm not afraid of the physical pain, physical pain is nothing compared to the pain inside of my head, inside of my mind & body.

Yesterday, I walked out of my T appointment 20 minutes early. I just got up and walked out. I sat in my car and pondered my next move, drove directly to the liquor store and bought a bottle of vodka, but I didn't drink it then. Not in the middle of the day, I went back to work instead...pretended like everything was great. Yes, folks, Grace is back in the building. "Living the Dream" as always.

You may be wondering why I walked out of DT's office 20 minutes early. I walked out because I'm so tired of struggling, in hell, every single night and she isn't here. Now, before you comment or roll your eyes, please understand that 'adult logical' Grace understands this is not a realistic expectation, and in fact, a quite selfish, and childish frame of thought. To put some color around these feelings, these selfish desires, these constant struggles....let me say this. For 2 years, DT sent me daily emails, checked on me when I was in "crisis", she was "THERE". No one had ever done that for me before. Why would they? I didn't matter - I was nothing. But she made me believe that I did matter.

But all that ended when she got a boyfriend and no longer had time to do it. Now, again, from an adult, logical, standpoint, I know this sounds absolutely insane (of course...I think I am but in 'our' minds, when we are in crisis, and feel unable to deal with it without hurting ourselves, or contemplating ending life...DT is suddenly the 'real' mother, the mother who never answered Grace's cries. The mother who was drunk and passed out while HER husband raped Grace night after night after night. The mother who was NEVER there - the mother who showed Grace that she was a bad, terrible little girl who did not deserve care or love. And Grace grew to accept that. OK - just a fact, file it away with every other 'fact'...Grace is 5'3", blond hair, blue eyes...all facts. And the fact is, that every single night, DT becomes that mother. Because he comes back at night, and Grace can feel him, and hear him, and smell him...and she calls out for DT and DT isn't Grace pictures DT passed out drunk, not caring what happens to this frightened little girl. Why doesn't she care? Because Grace doesn't matter.

And this constant daily struggle has exhausted me! And I can't do it anymore! DT won't be there, she now has a life, she isn't available. And logically that makes sense, but from a child's perspective, it makes no sense at all. And this plays out every single night. I am so tired, I am so weary...and it just feels like she doesn't care. And I can't fight all of the little girls.

So, if I'm going to do it alone, I have to try to do it alone. If I make it, I make it - if I don't...then it will be no one's fault but mine. I'm done wasting DT's time. I'm finished with the constant struggle between her and I. I could see how tired she was weary from fighting with me, and I felt really bad. And the only thing I can do for her is to walk away. She has tried to help me, but I am a stubborn, bad, selfish little girl, and she can't help me. And she's really a good person, so it isn't fair for me to keep telling her that I hate her because she isn't there for me.

I have rope burns on my hands from trying to hang on. I don't know to stop it, I don't know how to live with it and I am WAY too tired to fight it right now....

So I will be *alone*. It's the only way I won't hurt anyone else. DT doesn't deserve my hate, she really is a good person. I am bad, I deserve the hate and the pain. Not her. Me.


  1. I have nothing helpful to say, but I hear you. You're not alone.

  2. Thank you...I'd rather sit in silence than hear words...I've got enough of those in my head right now. Thank you for 'hearing' me...
    ~ Grace