Thursday, May 21, 2009

"YOU JUST HAVE TO GET THROUGH THE...enter (minute, hour, night)

"You don't have to be okay, or perfect, you just have to get through the minute, hour, night..." That's what DT said to me last night when I called her. "Grace, you don't have to feel 'ok' you just have to get through the night."

But...DT, what about tomorrow? And the next night...and the night after that. I'm so tired of watching the clock and just "getting through the next minute".

"Grace, you know it comes in 'waves' you're feeling now. There are times when you will be better, and times when you are worse. You know that."

Yes, but what happens when I drown in the next wave, or the wave after that one?
DT was able to calm me down, last night. I was full of fear, fear of the time each night when "logical" Grace disappears and the irrational angry and sad ones take control, put on the red boots and walk all over DT and me! And Grace had one boot on last night when she called DT.

"I don't want to die, DT, I don't want to die..." That's what I kept saying to her, on the phone... and I don't, I don't want to die...but I'm so scared that I'm going to die because the pain becomes so overwhelming that I will do anything to make it end. DT told me what to do, step by step, she told me: Grace, I want you to go and brush your teeth, take your medication and tuck yourself into bed. Then tomorrow morning, you will get up, shower, get dressed...and get to work. And then you will come to my office at 2 and we will continue to talk about a plan to keep yourself safe."

And all the Grace(s) were so happy that the decisions were made, we followed through on the instructions given by DT and it was a better night then it has been in weeks!

But now tonight, the migraine that I have been battling all week has now pulled out the new arsenal which is immune to all medication. The lack of sleep has made my eyelids as heavy as bricks, my mind cloudy and my body weary. I am unable to focus on a task, which includes the ability to shower and get dressed. The nausea which subsided for a day is now back with a vengeance. I have thrown up multiple times tonight – and I although I continue to brush my teeth, I would pay the asking ransom for some stronger mouthwash and perhaps some diet sprite.

Although the nightmares abated for a few days, they have returned from the game of hide and seek – l am now hiding and they are now seeking. The ever present feelings of discontent will no longer allow me a moment of peace. This journey to “inner peace” seems to be an impossibility right now.

There is no party at the end of the rainbow – where my heart will sing and my soul will dance with joy. Instead, all I find is the hurt – and sometimes it is so painful, I want to cut out my own heart to keep from feeling it. I am an emotional baby in an adult body and I don’t know how to grow up. I am overwhelmed; there are not enough words in the dictionary to express how it is that I truly feel. Yes, there are times when I want to end it all, but really, I don’t want to die, I want to live, but I want to "live" and not just "survive" the day.

"Take your meds and tuck yourself into bed, just have to get through this minute, this hour...this night". That's all...and then tomorrow, you can do it all over again.

Just get through *this* night.

Say goodnight, Gracie...

Goodnight Gracie...


  1. I know what you mean about being an emotional baby in a grown-up body. I think that's why my emotional states can be so utterly overwhelming sometimes--when I'm in that zone of an infant's emotional life, of course I am adrift in a sea of overwhelming feeling states.

    They do pass but of course they also come back, and at the time I can't always see anything but the moment.

    I think the main thing that does actually help is having a grim sense of humor and a little perversely gleeful fatalism about it all.

    And--I'm so glad you are getting through the nights even though it is almost impossible.

  2. Grace, you are doing it. And you are strong enough to keep doing it! All of you were happy the other night... that's so good. :)

    I have to believe that there IS a party at the end of the rainbow. Somehow it is possible to get there, and really LIVE.