Her Death

Death is a dark, cold, house full of malice.
Surrounded by a garden of dead flowers and trees with a deadly disease

With black leaves covering the hateful lawn.
It is the darkest place I've ever seen.
I hear things, snakes, spiders, slivering in the ground
I want to turn away but something keeps me tempted into this scene.
So I keep walking in the twisting darkness, a faint whisper of cold air blowing.
The leaves rustle beneath my feet, swirling in the wind and bleeding on my clothes.
The damp air has turned my tears to ice and the black memories of my past are now drawn about my shoulders.
I close my eyes.
When I open my eyes I gasp in horror at what is before me in this house of loath.
The room is lightened with red broken hearts.
I am surrounded by bodies with empty eyes
the smell of alcohol and stale cigarette smoke is overwhelming.
It is too much to bear, but as I stare into the darkness,
I force myself to face the darkness inside myself.
I sink down to my knees and sob big, heart wrenching, horrible sobs that shake my entire body. I feel bile rising up into my throat and I vomit until my stomach is as empty as my heart and soul.
Eyes tired
Mouth dry
Heart beats
Death she cries
No emotion
No devotion
No creation
Dead inside
Sweet silent sleep
Awake no more
Blessed her heart
Death she greets

Rock a Bye Angel

Rock-a-bye angel soon you will fall
Soon your tears will be known to all.
Rock-a-bye angel please don't cry
Just close your eyes and say goodbye
Rock-a-bye angel say your prayers
Say goodbye to taunts and stares
Goodbye to those who never cared
Rock-a-bye angel fallen from the sky
Just take the pills and close your eyes

Rock a Bye Angel by GracefullyGrowing on Polyvore.com

She's scared...

She sighs,

the whole world is crashing down

piece by piece it falls upon the ground.

She's tired,

of dealing with all this pain

she wants it to stop, she feels insane

She's sad,

even though you see a smile

they've all been fake for a long time now

She hopes,

that things will be okay

but she's tired of fighting every day.

She wants,

to just feel happy in her life

no more running to that glistening knife.

She cares,

but things now seem to mean a lot less

like the heart that's bleeding in her chest.

She cries,

but no one's around to hear

she knows she's alone; her greatest fear.

She's scared,

she can feel herself dim from sight
there seems to be nothing left tonight.

...it hurts ~ these things I'll never forget...

My memories make me wince

Push it away you had me convinced

But it all comes out in the blink of an eye

Can you see the pain reflected in my eyes

I'm tired of feeling weak inside

My soul dies every day

Because the pain inside refuses to go away

Why did this have to happen?

Why couldn't my past have stayed a phantom?

Beaten down into submission

Unable to ignore~ I'm  forced to listen

Pain I now know all too well

I can't claw my way out of hell

A deep hidden fear of darkness and sleep

Little girl rocks, shakes and then weeps

The ghosts they visit me in my dreams

I awake to the sound of my own silent screams

It Hurts by GracefullyGrowing on Polyvore.com

I am not afraid of the dark anymore

I remember as a child

I wanted a nightlight because the darkness was frightening and forbidding

But then you showed me that there are more terrifying things than darkness

I remember as a child

I used to pull the covers up at night glaring at the closet afraid of the boogey man

My small body would tremble as I waited in the darkness…certain that an ominous presence was watching

But then you taught me that there are things more evil than the boogie man

… and they don't hide in closets

I remember as a child

Walking in the rain and the sight of a small slug, slimy and slick on the sidewalk was enough to paralyze me in disgust

But then I was left alone with you and I discovered that there are things much more disgusting than a slug

You left me in the dark with no light switch

You taught me to watch for monsters in the daylight

You held my face so I couldn't escape

You were the thief in the night stealing from me what I didn't know I had

Robbing me of the entitlement of innocence, feelings of safety and trust

Labeled a "survivor",

You left your oppressive sun burning in my sky

But at least I'm not afraid of the dark anymore

She is scared to go on...

She tries hard to hide her feelings ~ and not wear them on her face
But look closely and you can see them ~ things that time cannot erase

The secrets that she carries ~She is not allowed to share
Although she wants to tell you ~Fearing judgment she won’t dare

She struggles just to stay alive~ Trying her best but you can’t see
Others tell her to lay down her burdens ~So then she can be free

Her vulnerabilty invisible to others ~ Tears shed only when alone
On the outside she is perfect~On the inside broken and alone

She hesitates to continue on ~balancing high up on the ledge
She wonders what would happen~If she were to leap off of the edge

Fearful of the future~Unable to work through the past
Strength and courage once her armour~Are now things of the past

Her trust and faith once again shattered~Why take another chance
She wonders if it is better to walk away without a second glance

For me there is no escape ~ the box is to protect you...

Little girl, I have made you lovely box
Delicate pink with with shiny golden lines
It’s a hiding place for your memories
I cannot be with you all of the time



Put your emotions in the bottle
Put your bottle in this box
Little girl – its what’s safest
Disobey me you best not


Where is the tiny little key
That fits the iron arms of the lock
Why I swallowed that key long ago
While the demons around me mocked


Little girl can you stop it
Repress it before it drowns you
Can you listen to your soothing music
Wrap up in your blanket of blue


There used to be a spare key
But I have lost that one too
Now there is no way to contain this
and you have bid me adieu

From Perfect ~ To Perfectly Broken

Septic these wounds that weep the memories

Rule me with an iron fist

My name- nothing more than the hatred that spills from your lips

I purge to end their disease

Nothing in me was left pure only born to shame

With pounding thrust that muted voice I quickly forgot my own name

Rancid, with odor and stickiness, you left between the gates

I slaughter my own body to let go of your mistakes

Achingly wrought in vomit, I spew forth flashbacks laced with pain

Mistakes that were never mine to pay, introduced through morbid molestation

You broke the army of the child, bombed the virgin nation

You left behind a broken doll stained with your indignation

Eyes stitched shut to block out voids of picture perfect hate

You crossed the line of perfect love and flooded her pearly gates

Her Feelings

She is just a little girl; he is supposed to be her father
He only wants to use her, abuse her
She goes to her room and searches for a place to hide
He always finds her ~ she always cries
He has beaten her, held her down, taken off her clothes
She can’t scream, she can’t breathe
She can only pray for it to stop
She wonders what she did that was so wrong
Days go by, years go by.
But it never stops
He told her lies, took away her life, left her with no future
Now he is gone, but she still hurts
She trusts no one, she feels alone
Sometimes she can’t understand “good” and “bad”
She looks at the cuts she has made on her body
She knows what each cut stands for
She can’t get it out of her head,
The pain is too much
She prays to die
She doesn’t sleep, she can’t close her eyes
She can feel the pain, she tries not to cry
She keeps to herself, the memories are overwhelming
She can’t stand being in her own skin
She cuts, starves, purges….
These things take the pain away….for a minute
She is stuck with these memories, alone in this space.

You didn't help me...and now it's too late

Mommy, please help me…please, before it’s too late.
Mommy wake up!
Please mommy, help me.
Hurry Mommy!
The footsteps, they’re loud, they hurt my ears.
Please, someone, help me, please…the screams are all I hear.

Please, Mommy, save me.
My body, it hurts.
I have bruises and I’m bleeding Mommy.

Wake up, Mommy…please.

Why does daddy do this to me?
Why does he hurt me?
Mommy, please make him stop.

Please wake up.
The floors are red, Mommy.
The pain doesn’t stop. Mommy, he won’t stop, Mommy.
Why don’t you hear me?

It’s hard for me to breathe.

I can’t stay here Mommy.
I can’t be alive.

I can’t stay here anymore.
You didn’t save me.
No one would help me.
Now it’s too late, Mommy.I don’t want to hurt anymore.

IMPURE!

IMPURE!

the disgust that runs in me

the scars he left within will never quell

they just get infected and starts to swell

he was never punished for his sins

so I am forced to punish myself within

for the impure blood of a rapist

that flows through my veins

Impure…

IMPURE!

what he did I will never forgive

something so terrible that i don't want to live

for the blood of a rapist poisons my heart

to cut myself and let blood leave my body

leave my soul.....so much disgust

Impure...

IMPURE!

If I Die Tonight

If I die tonight
Hold onto these last words
But do not let them bring you down
I am saying them to you
To help to get you through
When I am gone
If I die tonight
I would want you to know
How much you have meant to me
You have been a rock in my life
My source of strength through everything on this endless journey
I would not have made it this far without you and your support
If I die tonight
I would want you to know that I am very thankful
That I got the chance to be part of your life
As you have been such a wonderful part of mine
If I die tonight
I hope you’ll continue to live your life to the fullest
Knowing that I could not, in mine
So please, do it for me
If I die tonight
Please know that I will be in a better place
What wherever that place is know that I am happy
And please remember that I will always love you
Because love is the one thing what will never die

My Heart Bleeds

My heart is in utter confusion

My heart bleeds

Tiny razors prick and torment and cut me and my heart bleeds

No one understands the extent of the damage caused by such a deep betrayal of trust

No one understands the feelings of shame and blame

No one understands the pain of the memories

No one understands reliving the past in the present

Except those who have been through this hell

Broken trust is like a crystal goblet shattered by a screeching high pitched discord

It can never be fixed

My heart bleeds again

And just when I thought I'd bleed out & my soul would die

Fate opted to show me another side

Dared me to learn to trust

Tempted me with small glimmers of hope

And, again, my heart bleeds

But not in pain or disappointments

Not in self-hatred and hopelessness

This time my heart bleeds with hope.

Sometimes...

Sometimes it’s hard to listen to your words as they unfurl
The logic that you speak that never fit into my world

Sometimes it’s hard for me to turn around & face the past
To let it go instead of holding on with a stead-fast grasp

Sometimes the hurt & the pain are so deep and so intense
That I lose the will to fight because the pain will not relent

Sometimes she is defiant her malicious words push you away
But when logic and reason return I really do try to see the ‘gray’

Sometimes there’s no life inside of me and I feel so dead inside
It feels as though I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be alive

Sometimes things change so quickly and I don’t know who I am
And I know it doesn’t seem as though I am doing the best I can

Sometimes I doubt myself and my ability to heal
And I want to find some place to go where I cannot feel

Sometimes I know you lose faith in me and you want to walk away from this
But I want you to know I still need your help & I’m not giving up…
Until I can walk away with arms wide open and embrace the world with bliss

~ Grace

It is beautiful...and you are never invited!

I’m closing my eyes tightly squeezing my eyes shut
and looking for myself
Somewhere in this darkness as the color behind my eyelids changes from blue to purple to black.
I will find the girl I was before you changed me into the woman I am today.
Do you think I’m asleep?

I live my life in the night behind my eyelids.
My world exists here, I exist here, you do not.

My friends are here, friends who know nothing about you.
I feel safe here.

I have security.
I travel...I write.

My house is open.

It’s sunny and airy and inviting and calm

And it’s all the things I want to be, and all that you were not.
And it’s mine, not yours.
My time is mine, not yours.
My thoughts are mine, not yours.
My days and nights are mine, not yours.

Behind my eyelids my world is amazingly beautiful
And you are never invited there.

Why can't you see her?

I wonder.
It's so quiet, so still.
Doesn't anyone see her?
Am I the only one who realizes she isn't breathing?
I wonder what she thought…. What she did.

Rape
Rape in itself won't kill you.
The rapist can.
He pushes, kicks,shoves and then hits.

Abuse – torture – rape.
All these things...
I wonder.
I wonder how we stay sane.
How do we stay safe?
How do we stay alive?
It seems so difficult.
It seems too difficult when no one wants to speak of the obvious horror happening around them.

She is dead.
She knows it
She feels it.
All of it.
Her blood and sweat

Does he know it?
Does he?
His eyes – crystal blue….
Death.
Why?
I don't want him to die.
I want him to live.
I want him to think about it every day for the rest of his life.
I want him to live!
Because in living... I hope he will feel death.

Where are you?

Lost
Wandering
In a sea of confusion
Not sure where I am
Or where I am going
Who I am
Or who I want to be

Tired
Exhausted
Wanting to give up
Will it ever get better
Am I trapped here forever
Unable to break free
Held captive by my pastScared

Frightened
Afraid of losing this fight
Wanted to be recovered
Yet afraid to leave this behind
Wanting to live
But Scared to try

Trying
Hurting
Unable to see past tonight
Still I struggle, where is the light

Standing
Falling
Now I'm only crawling
Won't somebody carry me
Through this dark night

Be my Friend ~ Hold me. I am small...and needy

Little Girl curled up in a corner
She is scared and alone
Tears are running down her face
No one to turn to nowhere to go
Little Girl full of bruises, cuts, and scars
Wondering what she did wrong
Mother is in the bedroom
She acts oblivious to what’s been done
Little Girl unsure of what's next
Afraid to move a muscle, afraid to make a sound
She covers her face, scared of what's to come
As Mother comes in, eyes filled with rage
Little Girl look at what you have done!
When will you ever learn?
Go clean up, put on a clean dress,Soon your father will be home
Little Girl waits for her father
He loves her in a very special way
Every night behind closed doors
He shows her just how much he cares
Little Girl curled up under her covers
Longing for someone to hold her
She hurts all over, her mind is numb
And through silent tears she says...

"Little Girl, I'm just a Little Girl."
Tears fall down her cheeks...as she drifts off to sleep



...be my friend, hold me
wrap me up...unfold me
I am small...and needy
Warm me up...
And Breathe me

Angel Flying too Close to the Ground

Let the water fall, let it rain,
Come and wash away the pain.
Let the weather rage into sweet delight,
Make me feel like I want to fight.

Let the skies be filled with darkness and thunder,
Make them think, make them wonder.
Make me feel like all I need is the light,
Make me feel like they're wrong, I'm right.

Let the rain touch my skin,
And reveal all that I hide within.
Make me feel, make me cry,
Reveal the beast, I don't want to die.

The beast will eat me, it growls inside,
A beast made of secrets, all that I hide.
Make me speak words of truth,
Make me forget my past, my youth.

Make it rain, just let it come,
Show me what I want to become.
Let the sky growl hungry, let it roar,
Make me feel like I can take even more.

Make the sky let it go,
Make me sure, make me know.
Make me forget all that I don't need,
Make me feel, make me bleed.

All the things I don't want to remember,
Let it burn away in burning ember.
Make the water put the fire out,
Make me scream, make me shout.

Let me see that little glimpse in the sky,
Make me know, never wonder why.
Give me that inspiration that comes from above,
Give me the strength to believe in love

Courage ~ for those who are suffering now, in the 'present'

Take with you tonight

The courage you have that I can see

Gather about yourself

The hearts of those who care

And bring with you tonight

The strength you have that I can see

And let tonight's journey

That healing task

Give you meaning

Give you an addition

To the courage you have that I can see

Let it bolster your 'self'

Give to your heart

And add to the strength you have that I can see

And if the need shall arise

I will not say, 'do not cry'

For not all tears are evil

Let the tears wash away

Your fears

Your hurts

Let the tears cleanse your soul

That perfect piece of you

That I can see

~ Grace