The path of "Madness"

THURS 8/31/10

I felt tired and empty and aching and oh.so.alone in this struggle. Life is so damn painful sometimes and yet we still are supposed to stay here, people are still “counting” on us to put on a happy face and carry on with our head and chin rasied! NO! You must not deter from LIVING even in the face of Hurricane Earl and gale-force winds that tear through your body and blacken your soul.

I walk on this path where madness and insanity are the only stepping stones. And the voices get louder with each step I take. They speak in familiar tones telling me how much I am hated, loathed, despised, unlovable. And I know…I know how close I come…when my vision becomes wavy and the voices grow louder and the counting begins…Everyone hates you. You are worthless. No one cares. Not a soul in this world would miss you. So close…closer…closer…I can feel his breath in my ear and there is only one way to make him go away.

Yup. Thanks to the wine, loraz, and insanity, I’m speaking freely tonight! I got a lotta worthless shit to say and I’m spilling it here in the internet, so sit down, shut up, and listen (Hilarical!I just told an inaminate object to shut up!).

I am scared. Sometimes petrified! I work hard…so hard to just stay here, and it’s difficult at times. Like I use EVERYTHING in me to fight it. And I’m scared. What if I can’t? What if nothing I have will work? What if I succumb to the madness? The clock is ticking so loud in my ear and I am shaking and digging through this box of keys, frantically searching for the right one. And I know time is limited. I know that I have to find that key before the clock stops. What if I can’t find it?

Yesterday on my way home from work, there was an accident and the police had the road blocked, which forced me to drive on a kind of detour, weaving through some country roads, driving around the reservoir. The road isn’t really paved, so you have to drive fairly slow…and as I rounded the east side of the reservoir, the sun was reflecting off of the water as it began to descend behind the mountains and it was breathtaking. You know those people (maybe you’re one of them) who spends a lot of time in “nature” and you see beauty and you feel at peace? I saw beauty and I felt at peace for a brief moment. And I thought, this would be a good place to spend your last moments, right here, in this water, as the sun sets behind the mountains…peaceful.

Madness is just another ford for fucked up. Don’t you think? Gawd…I am a quite literally *mad*. I hate this – this rattling on and on until I fall off into the abyss. Tumbling into the darkness and not knowing where, or even if, I will land. I hate to think of everyone judging me. I think you hate me. I’m fairly certain it’s true. Weak. Mad. Insane. I hate me. Why wouldn’t you? I judge me…why shouldn’t you? Weak…Mad…Insane…

It is too much sometimes…never really feeling alive, so never really capable of dying to escape the cruel evil abusive people who tear and claw at me, skinning me, burning me, killing me slowly and oh.so.painfully. And I hear his anger and I feel his hate. And I fight…I stay in survival mode and pretend everything is okay. But why? When I am certain not a soul would truly miss me.