I’ve been fighting. Fighting, struggling, lashing out at the faceless, formless thing that chases me ever since I can remember. I’m so very angry now, tonight, all day, for two weeks – technically a lifetime…whatever. Angry and tired, I sit with my hands on my knees and my head bent, rocking…weak but wishing to be strong; held captive but wishing to be free; alone and afraid, wishing for comfort and courage.
I am sad as hell and I have no one in real life to talk to because no one cares or understands and whatever I know that it’s my “fault” that I don’t have the support system in place when I am in dire need of it…which would be now. I know that I suck. Got. It. I am a bit on the ‘not-lucid’ side tonight and a tad drunky so the shield that blocks the unbecoming *Grace you made me blush and gasp* at the same time…that shield…well, it seems to have disappeared with the last shot of vodka so I guess I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks of me or my lack of ladylike skills in prose or behavior. Come on, ya’ll, I grew up in a trailor park! Fuck was probably my first word!
Oh – I feel like I should put a disclaimer here…one that states WARNING: this post will contain a LOT of swearing and probably not make a lot of sense cuz the logical Grace left a while ago and will likely not be back till daybreak so you're stuck with me, the un-polished part.
There is a part inside who has been researching how to die…quickly and painlessly. Last Friday it was an overdose of medication (I won’t say what med it was because it is now in the past and I don’t need some well intended person yelling at me OH MY GOD THAT COULD KILL YOU in all caps - sometimes we are still in quite a fragile state. I write this because I feel like those of you who have been a part of this journey with me should know what’s going on. This is what’s going on: I do not feel better. I do not have a good support in place here. Shame. On. Us. We have not done a good job at getting this done. I have continued to pretend like everything is fine when there everything is so very *un-fine*. *not-fine*…so very opposite of fine.
I can’t cope with the frustration and invalidation tonight. I can’t cope with the screaming. I am not coping at all. I’ve tried. I can’t. I am struggling right now, tonight, to make it minute to minute. I’m not sure what I’m doing. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle and I have no coach. And I do not feel better.
Grace,
ReplyDeleteSometimes the pain left behind seems like a life sentence. I have been there on the floor with you. One of the hardest parts for me is that sometimes it seems like no matter what the fuck I do, it always comes back. No matter how much progress I make, I still have breakdowns and I still don't feel right inside.
Just keep trying to hold on to the time in the future when things will be better. They can change and in time it will get easier. I know it sounds like such a superficial and unhelpful thing to say at a time like this--trust me, I've thought the same things when people have told me--but I believe that they will get better. We will be survivors one day instead of victims.
I pray that as morning has come you have found some peace. I'm sorry that you don't have a support system in place. It can be so hard to let people in because sometimes it feels like no one will ever understand, but it is hard without them too.
I am so glad that you wrote last night. I have been struggling lately too and have felt so alone. If we both feel like this, and if there are others that feel like this too, then at least we are together in that. You have a gift for writing and I hope that in writing you are able to find a small sense of relief.
I know it might seem easier to just disappear from the world, but please keep fighting. Hang in there. I'm sending you all my love and support. Things will get better. <3
I wish I had some words of comfort. I understand the pain that your in right now! I had a drunk blogging session as well the other night. It helps to write and get it out, no matter what other people may think. I think you are incredibly brave and strong. I know that you will keep fighting, even when you think it is too much. I'm right here beside you. Sending all my love and{{{HUGS}}}
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