Had I known u were coming Id have baked a cake

I feel put off by unexpected guests. I really prefer someone to CALL first before coming over. That way I can ensure I am prepared for a visit. That I look presentable, the house looks presentable, and I have prepared tea and cookies. Unfortunately, I was caught off guard this morning, and I had none of the above in place!

I also prefer a PHONE CALL before someone should send someone else to my house. For example, should someone like to arrange a play date with the 8 year old, I’d prefer some advance notice, and not just a parent dropping off a child at my house. Likewise, should my shrink decide I’m *unsafe* – I’d prefer she CALL ME and TALK TO ME DIRECTLY! Prior to sending the authorities to my house!
Gosh, imagine my embarrassment at being unprepared when they showed up THIS MORNING!


LINK:  Had I known you were coming I'd have baked a cake

Hopelessness meets despair *on the couch*

Sometimes life seems like it’s too much. Everything seems to go wrong at once. This is one of those times. A couple of weeks ago the therapist thought it would be a good idea to dig into some of my *present* day experiences and it has lead to an onslaught of self-destructive behavior and major sui thoughts and I am not coping – at the f**k all. I am overwhelmed with anxiety and chronic sui thoughts and the panic I feel inside of my body and mind have left me unable to sleep, or eat, sometimes even to breathe. I am screaming…but there is no sound. There are parts inside of me screaming and fighting and choking the life out of me and still I cannot speak. I am filled with agony, disgust and self hatred and I don’t know what to do with all of this because I can’t deny it – it rages in me, and I resent it and I try to push it away, but it is still here. The agony of it all makes me fold in half; desperate to become so small I might trick it into believing I am no longer here. There is no end to it – there’s not enough sand in the world to stop this flooding!

LINK:  Hopelessness meets despair *on the couch*

And then there was *WE*

I am not sure at what point in the big TR “Therapist” and “Grace”, “I” and “You” merged into a “WE”. I try to reflect back and I can’t pinpoint when she and I became “we”. I shall clarify, although it will still sound like some crazybrain irrational ranting, I’m sure. The thoughts inside my head about this are not really flowing together in any sort of fluid movement…they are broken up; they feel sharp and cold against my skin, bitter and acidic on my tongue. I have noticed however, it is randomly “we” – not a consistent “we”. And I’m not exactly sure what determines which situation is a “we” vs. a “you”.

link:   And then there was *WE*