Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Of all the things I've lost...I miss my eyelashes the most

I was supposed to start a new round of chemo yesterday but I'm sick, so, as the soup nazi would say, "No chemo for you!"  Each time a chemo treatment gets pushed back I feel a sense of bitter-sweetness because it's poison, yet I know it's poison that is meant to kill the disease that's trying to kill me, so I'm caught in a paradox...I hate it - but yet I hate it when it's postponed too. 

Everything is so unpredictable and nothing is the same as it was...I feel old and tired and I'm not yet 40.  Today I was talking to a couple of friends of mine who were visiting with me; I was feeling down about my physical appearance and I jokingly said, "Of all the things I've lost I miss my eyelashes the most..."  I have like 4 eyelashes left!  One of my friends, "the fixer" quickly rushed to my aid, offering to bring in fake eyelashes, wish some glue and some mascara she could fix me up as good as new!  My other friend, very practical, told me that my eyelashes will grow back.  True nuff...but so can the cancer. 

I don't know what's wrong with me right now.  It's late and I'm tired but I can't sleep. I have so much to be thankful for and here I am in the darkness of the night complaining about the fact that the chemotherapy has stolen my eyelashes.  That sounds pretty stupid, doesn't it?  It's just that I *feel* bad right now.  I know it will pass but it's here now - the fear and the sadness - perched right next to me, uninvited guests to the surprise pity party.

My body has changed beyond recognition over the past 6 months.  The original structure is still there - but it's as though a tornado has ripped through and demolished much of it.  

I have been searching but I am unable to find any peace tonight.


  1. here listening Grace...and praying for you to be strong. You're a fighter. always were...stay strong okay....

  2. Dear Grace, I am so very sorry. Much needed safe hugs to you.

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