What Now?

What now? by GracefullyGrowing featuring umbrellas

There are too many of them and I can't comfort them. I can't help them. I don't want them here. They feel too much.

Get it? I get it. Got it? I got it. Good! *no judgement*

I think that the therapist and I have come to a mutual understanding of sorts...for now.  I will agree to not take an abundant supply of benzos or slit my wrists in an effort to avoid the inner pain and turmoil ~ and she will agree to not wear the Marsha Suit in my presense and be supportive. 
And I can tell her when I feel dizzy and nauseous instead of just leaving my body and flying off into the corner, when I can't continue talking about something.  And I find that voicing some random useless trivia facts work just as well as doing math problems in my head to ground me when I feel like I'm going to 'go away' ~ and maybe someday, the fact I shared yesterday with the therapist (in the middle of a conversation - no less) that the average woman owns 18 pair of shoes, but wears only 3-4 ~ will come in handy for her some day during an awkward moment of silence when you feel like you have to say something but you don't know what to say.
Dear Grace, I noticed that at the end of the session, you were looking sad and I hope that my attempts to follow your lead in session today re: Friday nights was not too much. I know that you had asked me not to talk about Friday nights and I was sensitive to this. I also suspect that there is still a lot to these nights that remain to be sorted out. I will continue to honor your pace and needs as you move through this terribly difficult process. And, let me remind you that I seek to understand the whys, what’s, how’s of Friday nights so that I can help you find some type of peace in these nights. There is NO ROOM for judgment in this process of understanding and healing. K? Got it? :0) I think that what was spoken about today re: Friday took a lot of strength from you and you did it in a fully aware and present state of mind. This is courageous and progress. When you get dizzy, then we work to get you back in your body and in the present. Today you only had a brief moment. Despite the inner critic in you, you get to take the pace you need. Let us both honor this fully.  ~ The Therapist
Dear Therapist,  Yes, there is still a lot to be sorted out and my mind feels very jumbled and messy today.  I ain't going to say that it's easy and I appreicate you not making me feel freakishly crazy during session yesterday.  I still feel dizzy and nauseous today, tearful and afraid, because I cannot seem to turn off my brain, or quiet the crying and screaming.  But I hope that I will be okay some day.  I still need the rock, DT.  I thought I didn't, but I do. Did you know that the average woman spends $17,000.00 on make-up during her life-time?   
~ Grace

"How I Hate DBT"...in the past, in the future, and in my "PRESENT MOMENT"

So Marsha can put that in her barrette, tie it up in her scarf, or hide it under her habit...I stumbled upon some DBT 'crap' this morning...SURPRISE! 

Recently, I received an email from someone who found my blog by googling "how I hate DBT" and it still saddens and angers me that the great and powerful MHPs still think DBT is the best mode of treatment for trauma survivors.  And I have to believe that my anger and need to express my feelings about dbt is more than just for selfish reasons ~  more than just a spoke in my menstral cycle. 

Yeah, I am more than a statistic...and so is this young woman who emailed me.  As I read the word of this woman who emailed me about her hatred of DBT, and how she is still attending the classes even though she finds the classes to be angering and triggering for her, I was reminded of my own feelings and how I felt when it was "strongly" suggested that I go to dbt ~ I say strongly suggested, but really it felt forced to me.  Forced to go by someone I trusted more than I had trusted anyone else in my life to have my 'best interests' in mind. 

When I asked the young lady why she continued to go despite the fact she did not find the classes helpful, she said, "I argue with my therapist about it all of the time. I don't know why I still go...I think to humor my therapist and because I have a hard time saying no to her. Must be under her spell."  

I resonate with what she was saying because I felt the same way!  And really, in the long run, it actually made me resentful of my therapist because I felt like she forced me to go and she knew saying 'no' is something I struggle with.  I did not have a right to say no growing up ~ she knew that ~and I feel like she took advantage of that by making me go to the classes which really just set me back 2 years in therapy with respect to 'trust' and 'safety'.  I feel like I should get 1/2 my GD money back!  I left every single class more pissed off and suicidal than when I arrived.  

And the MHPs know this, too.  Once, after dbt class, I reached out to my therapist to tell her how upset I was and she responded with, "Of course you are going to feel irritable after DBT class as this class runs counter to what your emotional mind wants which is to be heard, understood and comforted, vs being told to modulate, distract, "pretend" to feel good, etc."  So really she KNEW I wanted to be heard and understood, and yet she wanted me to "distract" and "pretend" ~ skills I learned SO well as a child, skills that were just reinforced during dbt classes that now that's all can do, IRL! AGAIN!  It's a beautiful thing!  "Where are you today, Grace?"  In Grace robotic voice, "I am  fine, DT.  I am distracting myself by doing math problems inside my head so I tell you nothing because I no longer trust you and am afraid of you...."  DBTs star pupil! 

I am more than just a half smile ~ more than just a number on a diary card!  Just like this person stated: I am More than a Statistic!

I have been allowed an understanding that the Marsha drinking kool-aid compound residents have chosen to ignore.  So many people are basically being forced to go to DBT even though they don't find it helpful, and in fact, are bitter and resentful for being sent.  If you went to dbt and found it helpful ~ great!  But I'm speaking for those of us who found it more harmful and traumatic and now feel even more untrusting and 'hushed'...why didn't you listen to us when we told you "NO"?  Why should we trust that you will listen to us now?  I want to live in a world where survivors get to have a say in their *treatment* ~ a world where there is actually HELP and not just words of "this is your last hope".... a world where I am free of dbt!  A world where the MHPs will listen to more than just the nun...

OH, and this is what I think about "no self-harm/sui contracts":  SI/SUI Contracts... I don't need an "agreement" with an MHP to "stay safe" ~ I don't give a shit if it makes YOU feel better, or not. 

She still can't breathe...she is alive ~ but she is not living....

I had a very expensive 'chat' this afternoon with someone I used to be able to connect with, someone whom I used to trust and depend on to help me during the times I cannot breathe.  This afternoon, the therapist and I talked about the hus's Christmas party, my new blackberry, my concern about my daughter refusing to eat her salad on Sunday night, work, volunteer work...nothing I wouldn't talk about to a co-worker, or my friend, the starbucks barista in the morning ~ even she recognizes when I'm tired and asks if I want a tripleshot on those days. 

I told the therapist I feel like I'm starting over now, with the "therapeutic relationship".  That my perception of her turning from a warm, accepting, caring therapist into a Marsha Pod Person was so extreme that I'm way to freaked to trust her now.  I don't think she understands that there is a difference between "thinking" about hurting myself and actually following through with those thoughts ~ she says she does ~ but I'm expressing MY perceptions on the past situations ~ and that's all I have to go on.  She says she did not drink the Marsha kool-aid ~ but I have *mindfullness* and *MeaningMaking* and *Distract yourself and have some tea* emails from her that challenge that ~ should she liken to see them....and in fact, I told her today, I would have rather been freakin' hospitalized than endure the TRAUMA of DBT week after week after week - which only made my SI and SUI behavior worse! 


My friend Lynn stepped into a therapeutic minefield earlier this week and is now wondering if it's better to just try to fumble through all of it alone, without the help of a 'trusted professional'.   Lynn's thoughts on therapy and "help" ~ and I have often thought the same thing.  I mean, really, we are alone, aren't we?  At least that's how I feel ~ that's just the nature of the life of a trauma survivor (and I use the term survivor loosely).  Maybe there really is just "too much" trauma for anyone to help sometimes.  Hell ~ the therapist can't even remember to email when she says she will....why the hell should I trust that if I am, in fact, stepping out onto the ledge of no return that she will actually be there?  I can't. 

For weeks now, I could not feel further apart, emotionally, from the therapist.  She could be sitting in a different room all-together ~ for the lack of connection I feel.  And it isn't her, it's me.  I can't find my way back.  I am not suicidal.  And it's been a long, long time since I've found myself sitting on the bathroom floor in a pool of blood.  But I am not "good"...I am far from good.  But I can't talk to the therapist about it any more than I could have talked to the host body then...there's no one left. 

It is all inside of me, poisoning me, making me even more hopeless and bitter and angry.  And my previous outlet of being able to communicate, safely, to the therapist, is gone.  And I feel *hopeless*.  I'm alive.  I get up every morning, I get my kids dressed, check homework, get them to school, get myself to work, get dinner ready, do the laundry...I am a productive member of society!  But I am not breathing.  I am alive but I am not living.  I am not suicidal but I often think about the ages of my children and count the years until I no longer have an obligation to be here. 

I feel alone in this all the time now...hopeless...and it is poisoning me ~ weakening me, killing me slowly.  I won't talk to anyone else and I can't figure out a way to let the therapist back in...because now I am afraid of her. I think I am too traumatized to help.    Maybe this is as good as it gets....that's really disheartening to accept ~ but I think maybe it's true.  Maybe the demons are just too big to fight. 

I step on a landmine every single night.  Alone...by myself...just like then....there is no help.  No reason to reach out because no one is there.  Hopeless.  I'll never let anyone else in.  No way!  I think I'm done too, Lynn...I think I'm done too....


Please excuse me while I retire to the bathroom floor and bury my head in the toilet because I feel sick and defeated~ I am alive ~ but I am not living.

I would rather bleed to death on the bathroom floor than go to the ER!

It still really burns my ass that DT leaves for vacation leaving only a paper of the local ER numbers covered in her tire tracks as she got the hell out of dodge. I realize she's a 'one-woman' show, and all...well except when she 'consults' about my treatment. Of course I have no idea when that would be, or with whom, since she doesn't say - however, I suspect it's the same fat-ass, judgmental DBT-cult preaching bitch she sent me too last year! I wish that short-skirt wearing Marsha look-alike would "consult" with me on the whole 'keeping your legs crossed' when wearing a mini-skirt, as well as maximum thigh girth for wearing ANYTHING where the hem does not meet the calf or below.


If you feel *suicidal* ~ just call 911 or go to the local ER. See, here's the problem with that. My experiences with doctors and ERs are not really...um...positive. Neither am I a very "trustworthy" person. It took me over a year to trust DT...and I'm still not back in 'full-trust' mode since she drank the kool-aid that Marsha gave her! So there is NO way in hell I would EVER go to the ER, only to be stamped as crazy and drugged up even more than I already am! ER doctors don't listen! When I was 5 I was admitted to the hospital with recurrent UTIs and kidney infections...one would think that after all that 'schooling' a doctor would have been able to tell that I had been fucked! But, that would of course led to more paperwork...and who the hell wants more charting to do! Better to sedate her, perform some INVASIVE tests, (anyone else want to look inside my vagina?), keep her for a few days in the hospital (IN A CRIB!), treat with IV antibiotics and send the 5 year old home to be fucked some more.

I've told DT this over and over again... I would rather bleed to death on the bathroom floor than go to the ER! And I swear to God it would happen - I don't care how suicidal I feel! Hell would freeze over first!

It's not that I lie to you ~ it's more of a sinful omission

I don't "LIE" to DT, but I do purposely leave out information (that perhaps she might deem important in this "process") out of fear.

DT and I talked about this on Monday. I do withhold information about some of the night time coping activities that take place...but I do it out of fear. Fear that she will make me go to some unhelpful class (DBT/CBT) that actually does more harm than good, or slap my ass in the hospital. This discussion was started by her when she said, "Grace, I didn't receive emails from you this past weekend."

Well, that's because I'm trying to be a good girl, DT. So you don't get mad.

I reminded her of the past and how she DID make me go to DBT, tell me we needed to "explore" the hospital (yeah - a grand tour that ends with one of us (her leaving) and the other staying to be "explored"), or that I am too reliant on email communication. I can't forget this, especially the angry teenager. And she reminds the rest of us of this past communication on a regular basis. And this leads to (perhaps/maybe/how do I know) important information being omitted by Grace. React out of fear.

DT, here are your reminders, your words, leading to my reservations of being "honest" about certain things:
** I also insist that we develop some ways for you to get your SI/cutting in control and Alcohol consumption eliminated. This is paramount.
** DBT skills training could be of great use to you .
** DBT is important and a critical place for attention to be focused in terms of making progress and creating greater stabilization of the most troubling persistent "urges".
** I ask that you study the DBT material and make a point of setting daily goals/tasks of practicing certain elements of the "modules".
** This is basic and critical DBT strategies...
** ...more focused structure and attention to the application of DBT skills
** DBT training is the wisest decision at this point
** Try to remember the info I gave you…distraction skills (DBT skills and info). These are important for when you are flooded by negative emotions.
** Acting out your anger in a manner that is very dangerous to you will cause me to have to take measures I dont think really needs to occur. If you are so distraught that you want to take actions that could have potentially life threatening consequences then you must go to the ER.
** I NEVER want to exercise the decision to hospitalize someone against their will because it is the ultimate in disempowerment. If someone becomes so disabled and unstable by their mental and emotional state, then I have to take action. This is never a punishment, though I realize that often people resent it greatly.
** If you are suicidal, then i will need to assess your suicide risk and take measures. ....
** It is either this, or we explore the hospital.

The above examples are why I omit information.
If I told you that last Wednesday I cut my wrist a millimeter away from the radial artery...the entire time a booming voice telling me to move just a little to the right. If I told you that, what would you do?

Yeah, I know what would happen, and that's why I didn't tell you.

Yes! I rubbed a Buddha's belly on Monday and I've BEEN HEALED! What a bunch of "psycho-babble" bullshit!

Grace, I hope that this week has provided you a bit more solace from the evening hatred and loneliness. Sorry if the last email was a bit too spiritually oriented. Essentially, it was just another "cognitive" intervention (psych lingo) in a spiritual framework, designed to keep you asking questions to better understand the pros, cons and meaning, etc. of engaging in ultra harsh self denigration. I realize right now it may feel like there are some pros to this....but just want to keep looking at these things....DT

WTF does that mean? “pros to engaging in ultra harsh self-denigration”... Does that mean I “attack my own character or reputation” Are you saying I am criticizing myself on purpose because I want to feel bad???? Yes, DT…I CUT myself on purpose! I drink myself into a non-feeling stupor, and take too many ativan and seroquel because I want to die…YES!!! GOD!!! You’re so “insightful”… I didn’t even realize it until you just said that, but YES! I rubbed a Buddha belly on Monday and I’ve been HEALED!! Now I couldn’t love myself more! And I “love and cuddle” the “little Grace” (you know, the 5 year old DFW!) she’s so sweet and innocent… NOT!

Gee, I’m so sorry I’m not as “well adjusted” and full of “self-love” as you are. Here’s the deal: when you’re told that you’re “worthless” and “lazy” and “hated” your entire childhood – you actually begin to believe it’s true!!! And I don’t think the spiritual Buddhists are going to “heal” me into self-love with their “3-doors” BS! But, again, I stand firm on my affirmation that I’ll rub a Buddhist's belly a million times before I’d go back to DBT!

I’m sure when you wrote the above; your well adjusted, self-loving confident, educated, gorgeous, witty…full-fucking package self…was just trying to be helpful, “in the limited ways that you can” (addendum to be added to each phrase the great and powerful DT mutters, as of July 2008). And thanks for the 10 word email too…as you were probably running out the door saying, “Shit, that inconvenient self-hating, high-maintenance, terminally mentally ill, patient may actually kill herself if I don’t follow through and send her an email as I agreed to do on Mon, Wed & Friday..(we both remember what occurred the last time you “forgot”).

You know, I find it ironic that even though you have said (on several occasions): “I realize that just because you are limiting and censoring the nature of your emails, does not mean that you are feeling or doing any better.” And “ I know that when you are not in a "cry of distress' to me (as you have put it), you are hurting and struggling.” And, “. I know that when you don't email or call is not always an indication that you are "doing ok".”

REALLY??? Because I haven’t emailed you all week, and it appears as though you’ve forgotten already!!!! That’s unreal! You think because I haven’t “emailed” you all week that I haven’t thought of killing myself every single night??? Oh, contraire', DT!

And, again, let me state, that I KNOW what my ultimate “demise” will be, I accept it…and I hope you are insightful enough to know, that when it happens, it will not be a shock to you! As I have told you 1000 times (probably more), eventually, it will happen! Eventually, the pain will become too great and it WILL end for me! Be it tonight, or tomorrow, next week, next month. It WILL happen!

But you go ahead and keep your “pink-tinged” glasses on DT…and see what you want to see…but don’t be “surprised” if, sometime soon, I neglect to show up to an “appointment” because I’m NO LONGER HERE! You are UNBELIEVABLE! But of course, it makes it easier for you…which is why I’ve stopped emailing you. No need for you to “work off the clock” after all you get paid by the “hour”. (Again, I adapt well to the "needs" of others...even YOU). So, go ahead and believe what you want to believe. I’m already dead. Just because I don’t email you, or call you, or cry out for you, like I have done for the past 3 years…doesn’t mean I’m any better…I’m still dead. You just don’t know it!

Just when I think you may actually "get it" - you say something completely asinine! So, I see your spiritual BS and I raise you 3 vodka shots (Belvedere, of course - only the best!), 6 ativan, and 2 razors! You wanna "fold" yet?

You’re BEAUTIFUL!

P.S. "All day I think about it, then at night I say it. Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing? I have no idea. My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that, and I intend to end up there.” Jalal ad-Din Rumi ...just a quote from your "spiritual hero"...(Yes, I intend to end up there too!)

"No offense, Grace, but he won't talk to a woman."

Before I provide some "color" around the above statement, I should also state that I had several nightmares last night, involving an abundant amount of "harmful" activity, which was probably that 5 year old little bitch's way of getting me back for going medieval on her ass last night, and then had to report to work at 7am for a meeting which left me "offended" on so many different levels.

WHAT? I'm sorry, I must have forgotten what year it is? Could someone be so kind as to gently remind me, because I was under the impression that it was 2009 ~ and that someone, in the "professional/business" was not at liberty to practice discriminatory acts. I realize I have a tendency to dissociate and at times I do confuse the past with the present, but I'm confident that was not the case during the meeting this morning when the above statement was vomited out.Grace was volunteered to fly across the country to meet with a business client to explain some information to said business client, as Grace is the "best PERSON for the job due to her extensive knowledge in this area." 10 seconds after Grace's boss volunteers Grace for this *project*, a man on the call says, "No offense, but he is Jewish and he won't talk to Grace because Grace is a woman. I've been in meetings with him before and he will show the women the door so the men can talk *business*."

Again...WHAT? "No offense"? I am offended on SO MANY LEVELS!

1. I have a masters degree in...drum roll please...YES! BUSINESS! And yet because I don't have a dick I am unable to participate in the "business" conversation? WTF?

2. I am the best "person" for the job since I am the one who did the work on this account ~ and I'm not talking about sweeping the floor doing the laundry, or doing the dishes!

3. I'm already living the nightmare of being fucked by my father because I am a GIRL!

4. My mother would not "love" me because I am a girl! I have two brothers, she loved them.

I think I'll send him an email stating I think I must be PMSing and that might be why I reacted so strongly...just another joy of being a woman!

I'm sure the MAN who said this on the call was saying it in a protective kind of way, meaning he didn't want to put me in a position where I would experience that type of offensive, sexist, discriminatory behavior in person.

But again, this only serves to reinforce all the *old* thoughts that continue to play in my head, over and over, night after night.... Grace is good enough to use her intellect to do all the work, "behind the scenes". Good enough to utilize her expertise; business expertise, not "sorting laundry" expertise.

I am good enough to fuck ~ but I will never be good enough to love.

And women, like little girls, should be FUCKED and not *heard*.

Earlier I was thinking that I’m losing me…but the reality is it’s already happened.

THERE IS NO *ME* LEFT...

“I am certain that I cannot fully understand the gravity and turmoil that you face when they consume your mind.”
Really, DT, I hadn’t noticed! All that wasted time I’ve spent trying to get you to UNDERSTAND. I have an idea how to make that happen, a plan to finally make it actually *CLICK* in your PhD/MHP brain…so that you’ll finally say, WOW I get it now!

“I/we need to continue to work toward understanding these, even if no resolution is accessible at this time.”
See, here’s the deal…just as you have your limits, I also have limits. I’ve played beat the clock, and hang in there it will get better….guess what? It’s NOT better! And the bad place remains.

“I also want to acknowledge that what you experience and think each night is real for you and that the "choices" that you face are nearly always painful and feel hopeless.”
DT, that’s so sweet of you to say that. I also want to *acknowledge* that you also did your best too – in this “process”. It’s just that I still haven’t found what I’m looking for – PEACE INSIDE MY FUCKED UP HEAD! – and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist. So forgive me if I give up the lifetime search for the holy grail!

“Grace will work it out, DT, I assure you she will work it out.” She will “deal with it”.

“My words "when and if" were heard and processed in such a manner as to feel rejection/abandoment and because this is your expectation, you will go to great lengths to prove this... at least to whatever extent you can with words/thoughts....which ultimately seem to make you feel worse...which I know you don't want. “
You’re RIGHT! I don’t want to FEEL worse! In fact, I no longer want to FEEL at all!!!!

And, DT, I ask for your “understanding” and “openness” to see my point of view and why I don’t want to do it anymore…not room for “judgment” DT … to quote the Great and Powerful, MARSHA-MARSHA-MARSHA…”we all have our reasons for doing what we do”.'

I’ll *work it out* and it won’t be “perfect” DT, just “good enough”.

You put your ativan in my altoids! No, you put your altoids in my ativan!

Someone mixed my mind-numbing drugs in with my curiously strong breath-mints, leaving me in a state of minty-breath, drunken, numbness all weekend l-o-n-g! Okay, that's not entirely accurate. The 'numbness' was due to the the excessive amounts of ativan, the 'drunkenness' was likely due to the abundant amount of grey goose...and well...the minty breath was because of the curiously strong breath mints.

And I'm pretty sure my dear daughter's friend was happy to return to her calming home environment after watching me dance around the kitchen with headphones on singing Avril Lavigne, "Girlfriend" while cleaning the kitchen which was left in shambles by 4 children making sundaes ~ with all the toppings! (Minimal cherries though...I snuck some of them out to go with the vodka/cranberry juice). God says to do your *chores* with a happy heart ~ hey - maybe that's where Marsha-Marsha-Marsha got her half/smile bullshit...she is, after all, the flying nun! For the record, while singing, I did leave out the expletives...so as long as she is unable to read lips, we're good. And surely, if I had loudly proclaimed, "Hell yeah, I'm the mother fucking princess," I would have received a phone call from her mother by now.

Once the music stops...the voices start! Enter: ATIVAN COCKTAIL

No need to separate them now! They're as good as reese's peanut butter cups! I proclaim LOUDLY! Mix ALL your ativan with your altoids! Then, if you OD, stop breathing, and someone finds you and proceeds to try CPR~ despite the fact that you haven't showered or brushed your teeth in 2 days~ your breath will falsify the documents because your breath will smell like peppermint...and Grey Goose.

Does Grey Goose come in peppermint flavor?

Give me a break! And I don't mean break me off a piece of your "Kit-Kat" bar!

You know what really makes me laugh? The fact that you had the nerve to say that you made me go to DBT under the premise that I had no skills and might off myself and you were "concerned".

“Grace, we cannot do trauma processing until you have the skills to regulate your emotions.” WHAT? Do you not see that you telling me I have no “skills” is a validation of him telling me I’m stupid. You telling me I should shut up and behave is him telling me I’m worthless and have nothing valuable to contribute. And I should shut up or be beaten!

Don’t you get it? You preached DBT for so long, you say you didn’t *make* me go to the classes, but, in my world, that’s no different than trying to fight, but never being heard, and the fighting just makes it worse (he beat me/fucked me ~ you “changed” your rules) so I roll over and take it. Because obviously I am stupid and worthless and I should shut up because I don’t know what’s best for me.

And now ANYTHING that resembles DBT is like the smell of bleach to me. Can you hear that? You forced it on me for so long last year that I finally realized that fighting you wouldn’t do any good anymore – so I rolled over – paid the 2 grand so I could feel Marsha Linehan’s dick shoved down my throat instead of my father’s!

Perhaps if I hadn’t had my *fill* of my father, I could maybe have sex like a normal person – you know…sober! I could actually FEEL intimacy, have someone embrace me and not think they want to hurt me. I could stay present and not dissociate every day and night to escape the flashbacks and nightmares, the anxiety and fear. I could put bleach in the washer without vomiting. And maybe if I hadn’t felt *threatened* by you with the DBT shit, then maybe I could take some of the tools in without throwing up in my mouth or wanting to ram my head into a wall. But I can’t!

So if DBT is the only road out of this hell, we should just pack it up now, DT, because it ain’t going to happen. Can you hear that? What? You were “concerned” about my *skills* and my “ability to keep myself safe last year”…well, guess what? Now ANYTHING that resembles DBT sends me into a fit of rage, complimented by some sort of "self-injury". And I am WAY closer to the edge than you think - but you sure don't seem so "concerned" now, do you? I guess there's a "time limit" on concern... OR! **Grace is thinking bad thoughts about DTs changes coinciding w/her newfound relationship – but she isn't allowed to say that** Because guess what...just because you don't "help" me at night anymore, and just because you refuse to call me back when you're @ the hospital or "busy" - doesn't mean the shit fucking stops for me! Gee, DT, if a tree falls in the forest does it still make a sound even if no one is in the forest?

And as *maladaptive* as that may seem to you – well, I guess the only thing I can “offer” in response is: I’m a crazy bitch! If I were normal I wouldn’t need therapy at all, would I?

Give me a BREAK! And I don't mean break me off a piece of that kit-kat bar!

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Maybe a new therapeutic approach is needed...I feel possessed!

DT: As you know, I'm not really an expert in the field of theology; however, perhaps I'm still struggling so much because we are going down the wrong therapeutic path. I don't think DBT or drugs, or even EMDR are the answers to my overall "problems". I think the answer might be for us to work with a demonologist and/or an exorcist- to get these crazy people out of my body. I have rummaging around the internet and there are some experts in this field! I suggest we contact them and inquire about the services they offer! Because it is truly like the Amityville Horror inside my head! And I’m pretty sure the gateway to hell is running right through the center of my body! I am tormented and terrorized every single night! And I think this is something we need to investigate tout de’ suite! Before it’s too late! I say that I need the help of a demonologist ‘humorously’ because in all honesty, if I don’t interject some humor into how I truly feel possessed, then I will listen to the ‘bad voices’. And I also say it because I am truly at a loss for what else to try at night when I am possessed by him, by them…when I am no longer in control!

And if I were truly a Haunted House, what would be the logical steps to take? Call in a priest or a Demonologist, or BOTH~ to try to get rid of the ghosts and reinstate a sense of peace. If you have another suggestion, and believe an exorcism to be extreme, I am all for it! But I need something to quiet the conflict in my head, I need something to alleviate the pain inside of my body…and I need to happen soon!

I am not alright. I am certainly not *normal* and I don’t know what else to do…

You don't "understand" or "realize" how "difficult" it is...You have no idea!

DT tells me: Yes, I know that you are still in a he** of alot of pain. I realize that just because you are limiting and censoring the nature of your emails, does not mean that you are feeling or doing any better
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DT said: I wanted to acknowledge your email…I hear how you are working at soothing yourself and "riding the waves" as I say. I know that when you don't email or call is not always an indication that you are "doing ok". If fact, I realize that you are working hard at learning how to live with the big ups and downs of trauma memories/belies and strong emotions
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DT "recognizes: While I realize that in your emails you have often asked me to not state that I recognize how hard some nights can be, like last night, I am going to at least acknowledge it. I know that there are many, many nights in which you see yourself with very few options to "get through the nights", so I simply want you to remember that I have not forgotten this.
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DT validates my *reality* I recognize you had a VERY difficult night last night. I realize that you still weigh the options of living vs dying and that this continues to plague you on a daily basis.
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DT, I really do appreciate your ‘support’, ‘in the limited ways that you can’ – but really, as far as the nightly ritual that goes on for me…you don’t “realize” anything, so, please do not say any of the following when speaking to me about my nights in hell, of which you truly no nothing about: Understand, Recognize, Know….because I find it mocking, in a “yeah, yeah, I get it – you’re in *pain* thinking about killing yourself…I get it – now STFU about it!” *DT eye roll*

You don't "realize" or "understand" it at all, DT. You used to be there when the 5 year old baby would reach for you, but then you decided that you shouldn’t be – so you are no longer there when she reaches for you. Like, we’ve been there, DT….So, since you are NOT there, with me, in hell – nightly – and I don’t really email you or speak of it right now - I’d like it if you didn’t say that you “understand my nightly pain” – if you wouldn’t mind. Because you’re “pretending to understand” or trying to “validate” what I go through at night – probably has the opposite effect on me than the message you intend. I think it's best if I just continue to do what I do what I have to do to "get through" the night - until I make the decision that I can't anymore - and not provide detail of what that is - or if it's "better" or "worse" than before (out of fear of your “changes”) and you just let it be - because to say you realize it? Well, that really isn't true...at least from my perspective.

And for the record, when you say, "You don't have to hurt yourself before you go to bed." It just pisses me off – because really – you’re not *here* with us, so how would you know what we “have” to do? I get that you just try to give me "hope" by saying that - but it doesn't work - there's no hope at night - I just roll the dice and whatever happens/happens. When the tornados are swirling all around me, and the winds are blowing 80MPH, and I'm being hit with sharp objects - I don't care how many times you try to give me "hope" - in those moments, hope doesn't come into play.

So as I have explained to you, I will respect your new boundaries and 'limitations' – of not being there for me at night…you know, because now you have a boyfriend who needs your attention... Just as you "pretend" to accept me. I get it!
You need your "DF-Free space” and I don't need to hear the bullshit of "if you can't keep yourself safe, I will have to take measures"
"you must go to DBT"
"I won't email""go have some tea"
"shut up or drug up"
blah blah blah
yada yada yada

For the record, I will tell you that I did try the "ice cube" thing last night - and um, sorry to report that it doesn't work the way Marsha said it would. - so I can't endorse it.

I do appreciate what you do to try to help me, but I also recognize that you may change or be gone tomorrow - so I "trust" you in the "limited ways that I can" - not like before - nor will I ever trust you like I did before you changed, never again! It's your "job" to listen and pretend not to judge and act like you "care", nod empathetically, and tell me I'm not a "bad" person...and I, "the client" am supposed to somehow incorporate into my brain that because you "pretend" to care and accept me, that I should "accept" myself too - and allow others "in" because somehow the fact that I pay you to listen and validate and care about the 'uncarable' - is supposed to help me 'accept' myself. Thank you for helping me understand all that. It's better that way. The stupid little 5 year old whore is kind of getting it that she can't depend on you to 'help' her anymore at night - and soon she'll shut the hell up - and understand that she can't depend on anyone, ever, ever, ever! And anyone who actually tries to get her to depend upon them is a fucking liar!

So i think we're good now…DT…

But, please, no more that you "understand" or "realize" what I "feel" at night - that would be like me telling a Holocaust survivor that I "understand" and "realize" how painful it was to live in a concentration camp. You know NOTHING of the horror that goes on for me in the dark – so don’t say you do!

Kewl?

Thanks for *hearing* me, ~ Grace

Words Grace typed to DT, but erased and did not say:
Its no different now then it was then. Not really. Just try to breathe- sometimes pretend you're somewhere else- pray for a moment of peace- and start all over again. Wish there was someone to help- all the while realizing that there isn't. Its no different now. Sometimes I forget how much it sucked- how much it hurt. But I get to be reminded every night.

What happens in the dark, stays in the dark...Like Vegas

Grace,
I realize that it feels like so many things have changed re: our therapeutic relationship and that this has caused you to feel a need to change how and what you express about yourself. Naturally you are going to question my reliability, safety, willingness, etc. Please try not to lose sight of the fact that I am still the same person who seeks to help you find more compassion for yourself and less judgment, as well as methods of "healing" that allow you self respect, empowerment and reasonable expectations from others and yourself.

I welcome your expressions of who you are, were, will be....be that in sessions, emails or voice mails.

So, again, I reiterate, that I will continue to stay with you in this journey you and I are on, while recognizing that change is part of "life". I know you are hurting, struggling, working intensely at this journey for yourself. I understand that most nights there is an intense pull to hurt yourself or express rage before sleep - coming from a place of fear - this can produce a sense of relief/release and/or power/safety. There is no place for shame in this, simply understanding, compassion and persistence toward building new experiences and beliefs. OK? Feeling "defeated" is temporary and you will discover another piece to the puzzle cause the pieces are around. They just aren't understandable with the current pieces you have in place.

G-night Grace,
DT
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Dear DT:
You declare: I welcome your expressions of who you are, were, will be....be that in sessions, emails or voice mails.
And I retort: the more honest, trusting, ‘open’ & vulnerable I became, the more you “changed” things and (seemingly) implemented restrictions and limitations during a time I felt like I need the direction the most. Therefore, I, as you say, “feel a need to change how and what you (I) express”.

I do not ‘question’ who you are, or your ‘desire’ to help me, or your ‘care’ - and conceivably you could be the same person now that you have always been – and possibly my ‘vision’ of who I *thought* you were then was inaccurate. That’s certainly possible.

My life was so much easier when I didn’t let myself ‘feel’ – when I stayed busy, when I could separate myself from the past. I was born an adult and nothing that happened before I was an adult happened to me – she was a different person with a different life – a girl I hated, a girl I still hate. When I feel her, I envision her standing in front of me, in all her 5 year old glory, and I visualize myself punching her in the face and telling her to fuck off and leave me the hell alone! I hate her, I can’t stand her, I don’t accept her, I won’t want to see her, feel her, or be anywhere near her! And neither does anyone else. We hate her! And I don’t want to feel what she feels, I don’t want to see what she shows me – she’s messed up and broken.

And every night when the little lonely, crybaby shows up – the tough angry girl beats the shit out of her! Each night, alone and in the dark, “we handle it” because that’s what we’re supposed to do – so that’s what happens – she has to shut up and we shut her up. Because it’s not like we can reason with her– we can’t say, “You’re ‘ok’, just go to bed, stop crying, no one else is here to help you, you’ll be fine. All is well…” and then everyone holds hands and sings kum-by-ya. It doesn’t work like that. Because truly, no one wants to hear what she has to say…and if we don’t “deal with it” – she’ll cry all night long…and we all know that she could stand on top of mount Everest and scream at the top of her lungs, “HELP ME! I CAN’T DO IT! PLEASE HELP ME! PLEASE KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME! I CAN’T BREATHE!” No one will hear her & no one cares – because frankly, we know that you used to hear her and she would listen to you, she would read what you wrote, she reached out and you’d be there, and she felt comforted and safe…but really, the rest of us hate her and want her to die.

So, each night we try to kill her – and that’s that…and like many things, “it’s out of my control”. And if that sounds like we’re ‘crying for attention’ – well that’s not the case – we are dealing with it. And you won’t hear a ‘peep’ out of that kid, I can guarantee you that! And when angry bitch shows up, she won’t *attack* you - we’ve had that chat… but what happens in the dark of the night stays in the dark of the night. Period... Like Vegas.

So, I appreciate your declaration that you’ll “stay in this” and will again avow that I am crystal clear on your limitations and guidelines and availability, and I will adhere to them, to the best of my ability. But I will state again, that my disclosure of some things, and your reaction to those confessions, did feel like I was being ‘shamed’ by you (DBT, no longer available when you’re working at the hospital, or at night, no email responses (for awhile) only *phone contact*) and your changes, did feel like a lack of compassion…and your persistence in adhering to your strict guidelines did feel like abandonment.

Mostly to that stupid whiny scared little twit of a 5 year old who depended on you, saw you as a sort of mother figure – felt ‘safe’ and ‘calm’ when she would reach for you and you were there. And angry bitch lashed out at you because of the whiny brat crying when you were no longer there because you ‘were’ there and now you’re not and crybaby can’t ‘get’ it and won’t listen to anyone else. But I understand you still care and all that shit….and we’ll take care of the stupid crybaby -the little girl that we still hate – and eventually she’ll get it too – and she’ll finally stop crying for you, and then she’ll shut up for GOOD! So, there – we’ve all worked it out! Is everyone happy? No- but you can’t make everyone happy – right DT?

Sweet Dreams, no Nightmares,
~ Grace

SURVIVOR~ Heal Thyself!

Yes- I've miraculously had a huge breakthrough in that I'm so much better at "navigating" through the SHIT and quieting all the voices! Yea me! Or perhaps I just don't have the energy to send 100 emails, or call you, or ‘challenge’ you… knowing that it no longer matters, or if I actually say everything I "feel" then you'll "change" again.

History has proven that is the case:
(Just my perceptions, not yours, but you told me that it doesn't matter what you think, what matters is what I think)

"Your unrealistic email reliance and expectations of me now require me to stop it- draw back- care less"

"Your behavior is out of control so you must go to dbt"

"If I don't think you can keep yourself safe, I'll just slap your ass in the loony bin."

I express that I "can't" call you- because ‘she’ won't let me…and I wasn’t joking! Your response: "I don't believe you"

So then what?

Fear kicks in and I have to put my own "measures" in place (even if they're *maladaptive* and *self-destructive*) because I realize that if I do tell you how I ‘cope’ now it doesn’t matter, that you can only be here ‘in the limited ways that you can’ – because your life changed.

Fear that if I express how I really feel, what I do to "cope" with those feelings/emotions - I will be met with one of the following:
1. Suck it up
2. Silence
3. Grace is manipulative and attention seeking
4. Grace is out of control
5. DBT or some other stupid training that costs a lot of money but doesn't work
6. Grace isn't trying hard enough
7. Sorry- my time is limited - you know that

8. Grace, obviously you're confused about how phone contact works
9. “Work it out”
10.“Deal with it”

Like, we’ve been there, DT…so Grace has finally got the rules through her thick head. I'm not trying to say that I don't appreciate what you do for me- I do appreciate your emails and I understand your "limits" (at times)~ I don’t like the changes, but I ‘deal’ with them. And I'm not saying that you don't "care", I know that you do. But as I told you today, I just feel defeated- because it doesn't matter- now you're just like "the others"...
(No offense meant by the above statement)

"THE OTHERS"
"There's nothing wrong with her- I'd know"
"She gets straight As"
"She has perfect attendance"
"She's outgoing~ has lots of friends"
"She behaves, never acts out"
"She smiles"
"Obviously all is well- she's so well-adjusted"
“She would surely say something if she wasn't *ok*"

It may take awhile, but I learn what to say and when to say it.I know how to "fly under the radar" and "pretend" ~ and I know how to make appropriate small talk. I know how to stay out of trouble, how to walk the line. I learned a long, long time ago what happens when you "misbehave" ~ believe me!

Have you ever felt a belt buckle on your bare ass or thighs?

Have you ever been made to sit at a kitchen table for 4 hours trying to eat a bowl of onions?

Have you ever had all your hair cut off because you cried when your mother brushed it (not so gently)?

Have you ever been kicked outside, barefoot, into the snow, for *misbehaving*?

Have you ever cried for your mother because you’re being fucked by your father for years!! But never get a response?

Maybe you have, and if you have, then you know eventually you learn to just shut up- because crying & talking & telling just makes the punishment worse. And you know that if you d0 tell, no one would believe you anyway. So you suck it up, or, as they say in DBT, you “Shut up & Behave”.

You told me that it was okay to feel and talk and share and that I would not be judged or punished- but it doesn't feel like that anymore, your rule changes still feel like punishment, and I know that it's my fault they were put into place. I pushed the limits for a long time…and I know you went above and beyond to help me, and I know that I became dependent on you to help me, because you were the first person I really “trusted”. But I know now to dial it back- and I understand what I can and cannot say, or write, to you.

There’s no reason to cry out loud when no one cares or hears you. You just do what you can do, keep it to yourself, and try like hell to "follow the rules". Which, when you know what the rules are~ are certainly much easier to follow ~ so thank you for continuing to drill them into my head. I mean that sincerely, I do.

But really, DT, I thought you knew me better than to say, "You must be doing better since you don’t email me nearly as much, you haven’t called me in weeks, and you don’t “act out” nearly as much now.”

Just because I don’t email you pictures of 20 ativan or blood running down my arms and pooling on the floor, doesn’t mean it’s “better”. It doesn't mean that I am better at “riding the waves”, as you say. It means only that I understand the ‘expectations’ and the ‘rules’ and the 'boundaries’ that are in place now, in our relationship, and I have ‘adapted’ to those rules.

* If I don't have tears running down my cheeks, does that mean welts on my ass and legs from his belt buckle don’t hurt?

No, it means I realize that if I show tears, it will hurt worse.

* If I no longer "cry" or "try to reach out"- does that mean I'm no longer being fucked?

No, it means that I have accepted that there will be no response- so there's no reason to "ask for help".

Unacceptable things are only done in private, in the dark, and are not to be shared with others, in the light. That's the stuff you aren't supposed to talk about. I know that- I forgot for awhile, but I remember now, most times. So, for now, I spend "our" time talking about dear husband’s grocery shopping and my anxiety about my children’s safety on field trips. I talk about the dog puking, and I talk about work. And I will tell you about my inability to sleep…but I’m no longer comfortable telling you what I do to finally get to sleep. Or how I cope on the weekends, or the nights it truly becomes unbearable. Because now I’m afraid again…

Its fine though- I really am grateful for your willingness to negotiate. We humans are adaptive, and just as I adapted then, learned what to expect and when to expect it, (for the most part) I know those expectations, and limits, with respect to the ‘therapeutic relationship’. I’m not, in any way, saying that you are cold and uncaring – you’re truly the opposite. And I really do appreciate the emails you send to me on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays… I know you don't have to do that- and I look forward to them- just like I looked forward to going to school every day, like I looked forward to gramma's house, like I looked forward to growing up and getting out and never looking back.

So- its okay- I can "deal" with it- and when I can’t figure out how to ‘ride the waves’ - well I have to deal with that too- quietly, alone, and in the darkness. That's just how it is- "radical acceptance" isn't that the term? Its my fault you're not there, it's my fault he hurt me, it was always my fault – so I deal with the consequences now, just as I did then…but hey-

"Life is a tavern and all you need is a good fuck"

I guess it’s going to have to hurt -I guess I'm going to have to cry. But I have to hurt and cry…quietly, in the dark and alone. Its okay, DT, I know you care…and I know you try so hard to help me, and I appreciate it.

But I’m still scared of the dark and the voices never relent. I still hurt and it’s all still here, every single night. But I don’t want to cry out loud anymore because it doesn’t matter, no one hears, no one ever will.

You can't pour raindrops back into a cloud, DT.

You just can't.

Sometimes there are no explanations and no answers

Someone recently said to me, “Sometimes there are no answers and no explanations” – and I took that statement and I “saw” it, and “heard” it, and “smelled” it, and “tasted” it, and “touched” it…I tried it on and looked in the mirror – and it didn’t quite fit right on me. It had a bit of a vinegary taste to it, and it looked and smelled like a rain-soaked dog. The touch of the statement was rough, like a low grade sand paper and as I took the statement off, and placed it back into the box, I found myself wondering: If, in fact, “there are no answers and no explanations” then perhaps we are not asking the right questions…It seems to me that the MHPs think they “know” how to treat us. Of course there are different types and styles of therapy, but by what is *offered* - it seems to me as though from a clinical perspective, there are answers and explanations for everything that’s done in “treatment”. There are drugs that ‘answer’ symptoms, and there are explanations for each clinical diagnosis, there’s DBT for those of us who exhibit unacceptable behavior. I do think there is a missing piece though. I think the missing piece is that there are so many survivors who have tried on many different therapy types, techniques and therapists…they still haven’t found a good fit. Maybe the color is wrong, or it doesn’t quite fit right. And there are times we buy it anyway, take it home and try to make it fit – yet, we’re never quite comfortable…something just isn’t right –the jeans make our butts look big, the shirt shrunk when we washed it…But we buy it because that’s what we’re offered. The manufacturers don’t seem to care – they don’t send out survey’s or evaluations, they don’t poll their ‘buyers’ – they assume, almost in a flagrant way, they know what’s best. After all, they are the ‘experts’ – they know what *should* fit and feel *comfortable* - for us, we certainly don’t know. Why, we have no idea! We grew up in abusive homes, have no sense of normalcy…we have ‘maladaptive’ personalities and behaviors – and they have the treatment to save us, not ‘cure’ us, but to at least keep us alive.But when it comes right down to it…if you do your homework – there is very limited research, or studies that have been completed. I haven’t lost hope – from what I’ve read it appears as though the limited treatment and research findings evolve constantly – and what may be considered ‘this’ today – will, in fact, be ‘that’ tomorrow.But although I haven’t lost hope, at times I still shake my head that the majority of the clinicians don’t realize that WE are in fact, the ‘experts’, not them. We are the ones who have lived through it. And truly, as much respect as I have for DT, who has put up with a lot (and I mean A LOT!) from me, it isn’t she keeping me alive, it’s me.

And if, by some miracle, a clinician were to call me, I would tell him/her this: You might think that the answer is DBT, that we have no “emotional skin” – that if we can just shut up and behave and ‘change our thoughts – perhaps ‘half-smile’-or become Buddhists and ‘meditate’ or ‘mindfully wash a dish’~ we will be well- but it doesn’t work. I would elaborate by saying that the mindfulness exercises of ‘peeling an orange’, or ‘studying a flower’ ~ using our 5 senses to ground ourselves in the present…isn’t the answer, it doesn’t really work to ‘distract’ and ‘calm’ ourselves all the time. Sometimes we can stretch, watch Ellen Degeneres & Chris Rock, back to back – listen to soothing music and repeat the 5 sense exercise for an hour. We can go down our “list” of emotion regulation skills, and positive self-talk, and distraction – and there are times when we still can’t stop the emotional pain, the flashbacks. Yes, believe it or not, there are times when we cannot proactively identify a trigger – and there really are times when eating a peppermint will not bring us back to the present from the past. Sometimes – we can check off everything on the list and it’s all still there~ and it rolls us into a cocoon of pain, anger, sadness, and fear. And that’s when we turn to list # 2 –
and list # 2 is where the self-injury, the booze and the drugs are - and it isn't because we are 'manipulative', and it isn't because we aren't "trying" hard enough- it just IS the only option left. We are all different ~ and yet we are all alike...but stop lumping us all into a "one-size fits all" group. We need you to listen to us, respect us, and treat us each as individuals. Irvin Yalom, M.D. calls it, "Therapy designed for each individual" - don't herd us into a DBT group with Marsha Linehan as the Leader Cow - guess what? Some of us find her offensive and flippant with her responses to how WE should "deal" with our emotions - what does she know about surviving what we survived?

It's no different than 'trouble-shooting' a problem with an electronic or a car. You work your way down the list and when nothing works, you "reboot" or deem it irrepairable...a 'lost cause' (which, I think some clinicians see us as irreparable and lost causes - but we aren't). And unfortunately, there's no way to 'reboot' us...can't turn us off, replace the motherboard and start over - I wish it did work that way, but it doesn't.

It just doesn’t….

So ASK US! We WILL tell you!

Anyone? Anyone? Fellow *Survivors*?

I am not soliciting for money or advice. I'm simply asking for either your comments, or your suggestions... should you have any. If you do not, that's perfectly fine too. In fact, according to Marsha Linehan, everything is "ok" and should be "accepted" (Gotta accept it before you can change it, ya know).

I am struggling so much right now. My dissociation is worse than it's been in at least a year, and it is a constant fight to stay present. And let me be honest here, during these moments of hell on earth, I don't want to be present - so that makes the battle even more difficult.

Until October of 2008, dear therapist would email or text me nightly just to "check in". It stated back in 2007, the email. And she would answer email nightly (and that was not something we agreed upon - or planned - it simply *was*). Several nights we would have "email" conversations. Rarely did we speak on the phone. If she was not able to email, she would send me a text. Some nights it was an uplifting quote, sometimes just a phrase or a suggestion. But it was something every night. (And THIS we did agree upon).

In October, it stopped. At first she said it stopped because of my "unrealistic expectations" of her. Then she told me it was because she consulted with other clinicians...still later it became "I have my reasons". But in my mind, I connect this to when she began her relationship with her BF.

Here's how that played out: She emailed me one morning to tell me that she "was sorry, but would not be available by email for the rest of the day/night as she was spending sometime with someone and he had no internet access at his home." Because of my 'abandonment' issues, and past trauma history, I suddenly became a child and she was abandoning me for her boyfriend (which, my mother did several times) - and I had trouble digesting what she was telling me.

And now she has worked out this new little "arrangement". She will send me an email each Monday and Friday. Of course we have our "weekly sessions" and she said she will be available via phone until 10pm for "coaching" should I need her. Let me provide some additional "color" around the "phone availability". IF she is available she will answer. DT has her own practice, but in addition to that she works at a hospital, alternating between 3-4 nights per week. On the nights she is working at the hospital she will NOT be available to take phone calls, and she will not email (even though, before she did).

I understand that rationally this is something that should seem reasonable to me. But the past few months, I have not been 'rational' at night and when she doesn't respond to my email, or isn't available by phone, I throw childish temper tantrums. I know that I should be able to soothe myself, but it just isn't working right now. And my problem is that she used to be there for so long, and then suddenly she isn't. And I cannot break the connection between her retraction of support to her beginning relationship.

Last weekend was particularly tumultuous and in her email on Friday she told me she would be available for 'coaching' should I need her, call by 10pm. So on Saturday, I did call her. She didn't answer, and then I missed her call back. And on her call back message to me she said, "I'm going to bed, if you need me call me tomorrow". WHAT? Which only lead to more self-destructive behavior.

I did call her Sunday morning, and (I AM NOT JOKING!) a man picked up the phone, was talking to her (I could hear it in the background). So I hung up. I know my name comes across on her phone when I call - and I thought that was very unprofessional! Needless to say I didn't call her back!

I don't know what to do. I am so angry that she changed her "boundaries" so abruptly and as I said I cannot break the connection of how it all played out. I want to walk away - and yet I'm afraid to walk away. But the rage inside of me at her unavailability isn't healthy either.

Last week, she said to me, "Grace, what would you do for your daughter if she needed you and you weren't there?"

I told her I'D BE THERE! My mother was NEVER there for me, I'd be there!

"Well," DT says, "What if you couldn't be there? What would you do?"

"Well, DT," Grace says sarcastically, "I suppose I would give her a photo of me, and a recording of my voice...and then I would tell her that I am with her *in spirit*" Is that what you want to hear?????

Here's the deal, DT, let me explain this to you, since you have NO children of your own. If the school nurse calls, and tells me my daughter fell and has a compound fracture in her left arm, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be an acceptable answer to say, "Well, she has a picture of me in her backpack - give her that and I'll be there when I can...well, within the next 24 hours." WTF? And then I stormed out of her office with 20 minutes still left in the session.

And yet I keep going back - why? Am I some sort of sadomasochist who just wants to be TORTURED? Because it is seriously like reliving the past today. At night, when he is in the room, when I can see him there, feel him, smell him.....and I reach out and she isn't there (like she was for 2 years) then she is my biological mother - she is drunk and passed out while HER husband is fucking ME!

I know it's not fair to expect her to reparent me. But for those 2 years when she was there, I grew to trust her, and to depend on her....and she was there for me - no one was ever there for me. And then she says, "Too bad, Grace...my life changed and I can't do it anymore." (Yes, she really did say that."

I don't know what to do! *Grace throws up arms in despair*..... I don't know what to do. But I'm tired. I'm so exhausted - I can't remember when I've ever been this tired..... I feel so small and so weak....like someone could step on me like a bug. Why did she ever email me in the first place? Why didn't she "gradually" pull back her "support" - and explain it up front? I have all questions and no answers....

I feel like a plant she purchased and then forgot to put into the ground....wilted and dead! And it makes me hate her! It makes me hate her so much - for what I see as her manipulating me into trusting her! By being there for me. And that makes her so much worse than my bio mother - because she never lied - she told me she hated me and I was unwanted from the very beginning. DT spent two years convincing me that I do have worth, that I am needed, that she did care.... well, until she found someone to fuck! Then she did the same thing as the host body.

So obviously~ I am not worthy, I am not good enough, I will never be good enough.

I feel so low I need to reach up to touch the bottom - but I don't have the drive or the energy....

Introducing Lydia Linehan!

Ms. Lydia Linehan!

DBT Lion Extraordinaire

The Estranged Sister of Marsha Marsha Marsha

(Told you there was a lion in the room~ Lydia is the lion that Marsha has been avoiding all these years...because Lydia knows the truth about DBT!)

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I HATE YOU! DON’T LEAVE ME!

Excuse me, can you please pass the BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE HCL

I have suddenly caught a case of the borderlines.

MHPs ~ do you have patients who struggle with the following symptoms:
* Chronic feelings of emptiness & loneliness
* Inability to soothe & comfort themselves when upset
* Recurrent suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, self-injury (cutting/burning)
* Frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings, including feels of depression, irritability and anxiety
* Problems controlling inappropriate, fierce anger
* Frenzied efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
* Actions of impulsivity that are self-damaging (sexual impulsivity, extravagant spending, substance abuse, eating disorders, reckless driving)

Well, now there’s a solution!

BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE HCL

BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE HCL is FDA approved and was developed by Dr. Iluvu I. Hateu. It is a safe and effective way to treat the symptoms of borderline personality disorder. BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE is much more effective than DBT, the treatment program designed by Marsha Linehan. It takes less time for patients to experience symptom relief, there’s no therapeutic training, and no irritating classes to teach!

How does it work?

BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE works with the limbic system to suppress the borderlines urge to act impulsively, self injure and commit suicide. It abolishes those ‘pesky’ emotions that you abhor in your patients and are socially unacceptable.

Listen to what our experts have to say!

Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering. Borderlines are the most difficult patients to treat due to their extreme socially unacceptable behavior. I’ve suggested all of my borderline patients to try BENZOBORDERCLORIPINE and I haven’t had a late night suicide threat, or a call begging for ‘safety coaching’ in months! This is much more effective than suggesting a cup of tea or a distraction technique to my patients. With BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE not only do my patients stay alive and out of trouble, I can turn off my phone at 10pm every night- and not worry about voicemail or email messages that will be awaiting me in the morning!
~ Dr. Elizabeth Terrior

I was treating a patient, Ginger, for 13 years and I tried everything! She had been in alcoholics anonymous, psychotherapy and group therapy. Then, 18 months ago, she began participating in a BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE trial at a Boulder mental health clinic. Since then, she has used alcohol only twice, had only one encounter with police (and controlled herself so that she didn’t end up in four-point restraints) and is now studying for her GED. This is a huge success for a woman who hadn’t been able to keep family, friends, jobs, or stability together—ever. Typical of other borderline clients, Ginger seems to have been born with a predisposition to over-the-top reactions to just about everything. She also grew up in a difficult, neglectful home. It is the combination of these two factors—called “emotional vulnerability” and an “invalidating environment”—that give rise to BPD. Over time, people like Ginger have learned to respond with maximum emotion even in the face of minimal stimulation, and dangerous behavior is the result. Since she began taking BENCOBORDERCLORAPINE, Ginger is able to go to her ‘wisemind’ in seconds!
~ Dr. Cassie Kitzen

Many therapists have no idea how to treat Borderline patients, and with BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE there’s no need! "The good news", says Dr. Hateu, "is that there is no need to teach these annoying clients how to unlearn dysfunctional behaviors. The BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE will take care of that for you. And as therapists, there is no need to continue walking on eggshells!"

Prescribe BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE for your patients today!

Turn your patient’s black and white views into shades of gray!

You’ll be thankful, and someday they will be too! With the help of BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE, your patients will ‘radically accept’ the borderline label bestowed upon them and love themselves in spite of it!

A caveat: BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE is not for everyone. It is not designed for the average person who might seek help from a therapist. BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE is probably not appropriate or necessary for fairly “normal” people who might need therapy to cope with this or that mild neurosis. It’s best for those with more intense or advanced disorders. While many BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE candidates have been diagnosed with BPD, other severely disordered or self-injuring clients can benefit as well.

The standard dosage is 600 mg daily taken in two 300mg doses: one in the morning and one prior to bed time. The patient should be started on 75mg twice daily and increase by 75mg twice daily every 7 days until the full 600 mg dosage is reached.

Common side effects include:
Excessive Sleeping
Inability to ‘care’ about anything
Decreased ability to sing and dance
Obsession with Marsha Linehan
Inability to become enraged, or exhibit fierce anger, or, any anger, really
Unable to feel fear, even when there IS a lion in the room

Disclaimer: ALCOHOL may intensify the effects of BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE. Do not drive or operate dangerous machinery until you are certain how your body will react to the drug. Do not participate in any activity requiring full mental alertness EVER.

Where the hell is the 'recall' button?...Can someone PLEASE keep those girls off the computer!

I don’t know who gave the angry, irrational, shattered children my email password, but they have run amuck and are way out of control! I don’t know when I lost control of them…well, I’m actually not sure if I ever HAD control of them, but I need to get a plan together to reign them in before we all end up on the psych ward!

You may think it’s as simple as, hey Grace, why don’t you just change your password. Well, I tried that. I even set up a ‘fake DT’ email address thinking in their extreme distress and despair, they could use that one and then all the crazy borderline emails would actually go into cyberspace, never to be read and analyzed by DT. But they caught onto that after a couple of days… I tried to reason with my faithful canine friend, offering him a pound of bacon if he would keep an eye on these girls at night and at any sign of distress (be it crying, labored breathing, moaning, rocking, childish temper tantrum) a good face licking might be as good as a dousing of cold water to chill them out. Needless to say, the past 2 weeks, the bacon remains uncooked and uneaten as Mr. Canine has not been able to hold them at bay either. He’s adorable and loyal ~ but he’s also male…and not always in tune with the girls ‘feelings’.


If I can successfully coerce the girls into bed at a reasonable hour than I can head off the borderline rage at the pass, but often times they are afraid to sleep because of the nightmares and they become frightened and angry, alone in their despair and then I wake up to a colossal mess that takes hours to clean up! Each morning, I slowly walk down the stairs, eyes bloodshot and squinting, wondering what kind of chaos they have left from their ‘slumber party’. I find empty wine bottles, lip-stick stained glasses & Kleenex thrown about the kitchen and family room. There’s the occasional broken glass that needs to be swept up and hidden in the garbage. Then I try to assess what other damage they may have done. I start by looking for any sign of blood or band aids…then I count the anti-anxiety meds to see how many are missing. I clean up the pillows that have been strewn about in anger, collect the crumpled paper trail left behind, review the written journal I keep, and then I hold my breath as I sign onto the laptop…and log into my email. It is in my sent box where I can see the true evidence of the irrational behavior from the previous night. And as I go through each one, I can see who has come forward to express her ‘feelings’ that have been left unspoken for over 30 years.

At times it’s only the angry one, lashing out in hate, expressing feelings of abandonment and loathe at being abused and unheard all these years. The more she drinks the more irrational and angry she becomes. Other nights, the sad, scared little girl begs the substitute host body (DT) to help her. And from her writing it’s clear that she doesn’t understand why there’s no one answering her cries. Other times, the sarcastic little devil shows up looking for something, anything she can grasp on to and run with, leaving trails of mockery and cynicism behind. I can also see evidence of the creative one, writing comically her thoughts on DBT, therapy, psych meds, the mental health profession, and especially Ms. Marsha Linehan (she despises that woman & everything she stands for). I also find her poking fun at me and all my despair through her writing.

I have learned to tell the difference in their writing styles over the years and I can tell who writes what but what I cannot seem to do is keep them off of the computer! I have verbally revoked their email privileges several times but they are all willful and defiant, and my lectures seem to go in one ear and out the other. I am at my wit’s end…we’re already in therapy! DT and I try to work with them to gain some sort of cohesiveness and DT has been more than patient with all of them. She is a virtual punching bag most night as they lash out again and again, crying out in anger, fear, sadness, sarcasm, hopelessness and shame.

An Example of Angry Girl expressing her ‘feelings’: “Coming out of this kind of a purposeful, proactive weekend into a tough day at work and DBT class, is quite naturally and likely going to lead you to want to release emotions, be heard, validated and understood...” REALLY BECAUSE i DON'T FEEL HEARD, VALIDATED OR UNDERSTOOD TONIGHT.
“Just make some space for it if you can and try not to clamp down on it or amplify it. It is ok to feel intense anger and resentment..see if you can just watch it. Sometimes the anger will transform into sadness which might be a bit easier to comfort your "selves" through.” UM, THIS IS DBT BULLSHIT - WHICH I THOUGHT WE AGREED THAT WE WOULDN'T DO SINCE IT REALLY SERVES NO PURPOSE AS FAR AS 'SOOTHING' GOES - IT JUST CHAPS MY ASS! AND MARSHA SAID IN HER VIDEO TONIGHT THAT SADNESS IS BAD BAD BAD! BUT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN 'ANGER' IS JUSTIFIED. AND SINCE SHE IS THE ALL- KNOWING (AS I SEE IT: THERE'S GOD, JESUS, MARSHA AND THEN THE HOLY SPIRIT) OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE (INCLUDING YOU!) SEEM TO THINK! TIP: DON'T DRINK THE KOOL-AID IF MARSHA OFFERS IT!

Sad/Scared little one: DT – I’m too scared to go to sleep Tonight. Y don't u care anymore? Y urnt u here? I'm scared to go 2 sleep. It will never endIt won't gte btr-now u don't care u left me here alone with him That wasn't nice. Y did u do that? Becuz I was bad. I'm bad. I can't go to sleep. And I'm scared . Nothing is wkn tonite. I don't feel goodAnd I'm scared to sleep. My body hurts. My jaw hurts. I want my gramma. It hurts to much To tired. Nobody hears me. I don't matter

DT has been helpful in that she is willing to try different things and even offer suggestions…and we try different things. But it seems like the problem is that what works for angry girl, doesn’t work for sad girl…and so forth. So I think the key now is to find some sort of synthesis between all of the girls, a cohesiveness of some sort, so that they can all feel heard and yet not go borderline at night. As soon as I figure out what that is….I’ll let ya know.

Because right now these girls are maniacs!