I am taking away your maladaptive coping skills!

YOU MUST ELIMINATE THE FOLLOWING BEHAVIORS:
cutting, boozing, promescuity, ODing on benzos, vomiting, excessive spending....

I am taking away all of your maladaptive coping skills...if you need them, they will be in either my purse or the refrigerator - neither of which you are allowed to prowl without my permission, which of course you do not have.....
And what will we be replacing them with?
Oh -I'm glad you asked, Crazybrain! 
We are replacing them with the following:
Radical acceptance
Wisemind
Half smile
Oh, you could exercise too, if you want: fat-ass!
Just deal with it! 
I personally think it's stupid to take away a person's crutches in life and expect them to deal effectively for more than a couple of days - without a mental meltdown!
Because then you get to live in hell until you can learn to short-circuit the brain's automatic responses that you developed because of a lifetime of f**kedupness.
DUMB!   I'm just sayin'    D~U~M~B!

Get it? I get it. Got it? I got it. Good! *no judgement*

I think that the therapist and I have come to a mutual understanding of sorts...for now.  I will agree to not take an abundant supply of benzos or slit my wrists in an effort to avoid the inner pain and turmoil ~ and she will agree to not wear the Marsha Suit in my presense and be supportive. 
And I can tell her when I feel dizzy and nauseous instead of just leaving my body and flying off into the corner, when I can't continue talking about something.  And I find that voicing some random useless trivia facts work just as well as doing math problems in my head to ground me when I feel like I'm going to 'go away' ~ and maybe someday, the fact I shared yesterday with the therapist (in the middle of a conversation - no less) that the average woman owns 18 pair of shoes, but wears only 3-4 ~ will come in handy for her some day during an awkward moment of silence when you feel like you have to say something but you don't know what to say.
Dear Grace, I noticed that at the end of the session, you were looking sad and I hope that my attempts to follow your lead in session today re: Friday nights was not too much. I know that you had asked me not to talk about Friday nights and I was sensitive to this. I also suspect that there is still a lot to these nights that remain to be sorted out. I will continue to honor your pace and needs as you move through this terribly difficult process. And, let me remind you that I seek to understand the whys, what’s, how’s of Friday nights so that I can help you find some type of peace in these nights. There is NO ROOM for judgment in this process of understanding and healing. K? Got it? :0) I think that what was spoken about today re: Friday took a lot of strength from you and you did it in a fully aware and present state of mind. This is courageous and progress. When you get dizzy, then we work to get you back in your body and in the present. Today you only had a brief moment. Despite the inner critic in you, you get to take the pace you need. Let us both honor this fully.  ~ The Therapist
Dear Therapist,  Yes, there is still a lot to be sorted out and my mind feels very jumbled and messy today.  I ain't going to say that it's easy and I appreicate you not making me feel freakishly crazy during session yesterday.  I still feel dizzy and nauseous today, tearful and afraid, because I cannot seem to turn off my brain, or quiet the crying and screaming.  But I hope that I will be okay some day.  I still need the rock, DT.  I thought I didn't, but I do. Did you know that the average woman spends $17,000.00 on make-up during her life-time?   
~ Grace

"How I Hate DBT"...in the past, in the future, and in my "PRESENT MOMENT"

So Marsha can put that in her barrette, tie it up in her scarf, or hide it under her habit...I stumbled upon some DBT 'crap' this morning...SURPRISE! 

Recently, I received an email from someone who found my blog by googling "how I hate DBT" and it still saddens and angers me that the great and powerful MHPs still think DBT is the best mode of treatment for trauma survivors.  And I have to believe that my anger and need to express my feelings about dbt is more than just for selfish reasons ~  more than just a spoke in my menstral cycle. 

Yeah, I am more than a statistic...and so is this young woman who emailed me.  As I read the word of this woman who emailed me about her hatred of DBT, and how she is still attending the classes even though she finds the classes to be angering and triggering for her, I was reminded of my own feelings and how I felt when it was "strongly" suggested that I go to dbt ~ I say strongly suggested, but really it felt forced to me.  Forced to go by someone I trusted more than I had trusted anyone else in my life to have my 'best interests' in mind. 

When I asked the young lady why she continued to go despite the fact she did not find the classes helpful, she said, "I argue with my therapist about it all of the time. I don't know why I still go...I think to humor my therapist and because I have a hard time saying no to her. Must be under her spell."  

I resonate with what she was saying because I felt the same way!  And really, in the long run, it actually made me resentful of my therapist because I felt like she forced me to go and she knew saying 'no' is something I struggle with.  I did not have a right to say no growing up ~ she knew that ~and I feel like she took advantage of that by making me go to the classes which really just set me back 2 years in therapy with respect to 'trust' and 'safety'.  I feel like I should get 1/2 my GD money back!  I left every single class more pissed off and suicidal than when I arrived.  

And the MHPs know this, too.  Once, after dbt class, I reached out to my therapist to tell her how upset I was and she responded with, "Of course you are going to feel irritable after DBT class as this class runs counter to what your emotional mind wants which is to be heard, understood and comforted, vs being told to modulate, distract, "pretend" to feel good, etc."  So really she KNEW I wanted to be heard and understood, and yet she wanted me to "distract" and "pretend" ~ skills I learned SO well as a child, skills that were just reinforced during dbt classes that now that's all can do, IRL! AGAIN!  It's a beautiful thing!  "Where are you today, Grace?"  In Grace robotic voice, "I am  fine, DT.  I am distracting myself by doing math problems inside my head so I tell you nothing because I no longer trust you and am afraid of you...."  DBTs star pupil! 

I am more than just a half smile ~ more than just a number on a diary card!  Just like this person stated: I am More than a Statistic!

I have been allowed an understanding that the Marsha drinking kool-aid compound residents have chosen to ignore.  So many people are basically being forced to go to DBT even though they don't find it helpful, and in fact, are bitter and resentful for being sent.  If you went to dbt and found it helpful ~ great!  But I'm speaking for those of us who found it more harmful and traumatic and now feel even more untrusting and 'hushed'...why didn't you listen to us when we told you "NO"?  Why should we trust that you will listen to us now?  I want to live in a world where survivors get to have a say in their *treatment* ~ a world where there is actually HELP and not just words of "this is your last hope".... a world where I am free of dbt!  A world where the MHPs will listen to more than just the nun...

OH, and this is what I think about "no self-harm/sui contracts":  SI/SUI Contracts... I don't need an "agreement" with an MHP to "stay safe" ~ I don't give a shit if it makes YOU feel better, or not. 

What are we waiting for? Won't anybody help us?

I ponder that question during those long nights when my mind won’t rest and I am begging for someone to knock me out with an injection of some mind-numbing medication so it will just stop. It used to be that the overwhelming question of “WHY” would send me into fit of self-destructiveness and suicidal thoughts. Kind of a: I can’t change it ~ I can’t fix it ~ no one will listen to me…which would lead this overwhelming internal pain that I could not deal with and I would hurt myself (mostly cutting – lots of vomiting) in a last ditch effort to get it to just stop. I don’t want to die, I’ve never wanted to die – not really…I just want someone to help me figure out a way to deal with all the conflicting parts of me and my past – help me in a way that WORKS!

GRACE, YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH YOUR FEELINGS BEFORE THEY DEAL WITH YOU….and deal with me, they have. Now what? Since my feelings began to manage me and I was no longer able to manage them…I was told to put them in the ‘time-out’ bucket. Label them – and throw them in the bucket. Well, let me just store them in the old cedar chest where they were covered with a quilt and preserved for 30 years before someone actually led me to believe that it was ‘okay’ to talk and I was not bad…and that I had a right to be heard and understood and ‘accepted’. (*To be fair, let me add the statement that my self-destructive behavior was excessive and troubling…and there were times when I could have died due to my ‘behavior’. And yes, I get that it’s okay to have feelings and emotions – however best not to always act on them.) 

This is a direct quote from my therapist after I sent her an email telling her that I was angry because I hated DBT class and resented going: Of course you are going to feel irritable after DBT class as this class runs counter to what your emotional mind wants which is to be heard, understood and comforted, vs being told to modulate, distract, "pretend" to feel good, etc. So, a trusted MHP admits that DBT is about ‘pretending to feel good’?  Someone should have just said that! That would have saved me months of self-destruction, invalidation and re-traumatization…not to mention two grand!


When Lynn posted this:  The MHP Manifesto ~ I felt it ~ her words echoed through my ribcage and chilled my heart and I again thought: what are we waiting for? 

But the problem is that there is so much hurt...so much pain, that we can't do it alone.  We have stored it for so long because we were afraid and ashamed that to finally find someone we can trust and then to feel as though that trust was breached…it’s like validation that we never should have spoken in the first place. Somewhere in our maladaptive brains it only confirms that our abusers were right. We don’t matter. Everyone else is more important than we are. We are nothing. We have no rights and we will always be nothing.  However unintentional that perceived breach of trust was...it was enough to send us right back there again. Even if it was a promise, or commitment, that was not sustainable - but was offered with only the best of intentions...even if your life 'changed' and you had over-extended yourself...that just validates that we are not important.  I realize that is not the way a 'normal' person, a person who actually received love and care that every child deserved, reacts.  But we never had that...our trust was broken time and time again.  Day over day, week over week, year over year. 

Lynn went on to write this:  shame-manifesto .  Shut up and behave!  Shut up and drug up!  Don't cry out loud! EVER!

Yes, it is a lot of shame to carry...too much. And the abuse from my childhood has ripped apart my insides to a depth I can barely see and feel.  There are parts of my being that were destroyed to the point that I know they can never be recovered.  Every night when I lay my head down I wish for even two hours of peaceful sleep....telling myself, "Sweet dreams, no nightmares."  Each evening when the darkness comes I hope like hell I can get through it without feeling him all over again, without hurting myself, without a pain so intense I cannot stay in this body anymore.  Each morning I wake up with no new injuries or long lasting residual after-affects from nightmares I am thankful for surviving another night.  But the shame, and the fear, and the pain...and the sadness of not having anyone to help guide me though it...all of that remains.  But I have put it back into the cedar chest and covered it with the quilt.  It is my childhood dowry...a dowry no one wants. 

And I remain silent.  Because I am afraid now.  I am ashamed of my behavior.  I am ashamed of my weakness and fear.   I am ashamed.  I am ashamed.

But I hope that someday I will not be ashamed.  I hope that someday someone will listen to me, to 'us'. 

What are we waiting for?  Won't anybody help us?  What are we waiting for?

We have stood up...we are trying to fight the enemy...won't anybody help us?

I do not have "issues" I have VOLUMES

Let me just speak this (and of course probably take it down later when the shuttle lands....)
I am not you.  You are not me.  I cannot speak for you, judge you, or tell you what you should or should not do as it relates to you and your 'process'.

But I will no longer be controlled by anyone, nor will I be forced to participate in anything I do not believe in.  I will NOT be just another pathetic sheep following the herd!  I will not eat another bowl of onions!  And should you choose to go and live on the compound of Shut Up and behave or become a Buddist Monk - feel free - I'll throw you a going away party but I will NOT join you! 

I can 'manage' my own 'symptoms' - and I do not need your buckets.  I am truly sorry that I am a *shit creek* survivor and my pre-existing condition and manipulative botttomless pit of wants and needs have injured you emotionally.  Had I realized my *illness* was viral and not bacterial in nature I would have made it a point to be more cautious.

For the record, the drugs you precribe are really just alcohol and dissociation in a bottle.  And I would be willing to bet the farm that my bartender can beat up your obese nun any day of the week. 

I seriously doubt my current disdain for food, and need to control what goes into my body is any different than the obese nun forcing food down her turkey neck!  In fact, I've been starving the past 3 weeks because she keeps eating all the GD food I put in my "BUCKET"!  Cow!

And, no, I have not been the same since that house fell on my sister, but I am heavily medicated for your safety.

And now that that's out there...I will now place my anger back into the bucket and head down the yellow brick road in search of the land of Oz!

Good day!

In Today's News: STEPFORD MARSHAS have taken over the MHP community...and the man who was traumatized by eating too many Ding Dongs

If you're a long time reader you know exactly what I think about DBT and it's Creator. When the therapist initially began talking about DBT to me I told her DBT was not for me (hey - that rhymes!) and I was not interested in pursuing a career in buckets. And the topic fell by the wayside for a while...but then it resurfaced again.

And when it resurfaced, it came back in a big way...it was all the therapist talked about! I thought I had traveled into a parallel universe and I could not find my way back. I am not sure when the Goddess of DBT (the flying nun) made a 'pod person' out of my caring validating therapist, but it happened! In fact, I have yet to locate the building where the DBT snatchers are housing the caring therapists of old but I am still looking. I call the pod therapists "Stepford Marsha's". When Stepford Marsha took over dear therapist's body and mind, I thought it was just my therapist, but after reading many posts by many different survivors, I am aware that the DBT Cult has become an epidemic in the treatment of survivors. And it seems that I am not the only one who has deemed this (so called) "Therapy" ineffective, but also harmful and retraumatizing.

Let me step out of the DBT room for a minute...

When my husband was 10 years old he snuck a box of ding dongs out of the pantry and he ate the entire box in one sitting. As a result of his overindulgence he developed some physical symptoms that were not pleasant...vomiting, diarrhea and even boils on his skin. He was traumatized by this event and has not had a ding dong in 32 years. Not only can he not eat a ding dong but the mention of the word, or the sight of a box of ding dongs makes him nauseous and retraumatizes him as he remembers the original 'ding dong event'. In hind sight, maybe if he would have had 1 ding dong he could still enjoy the occasional ding dong today....maybe ~ who's to say.

I'll step back into the DBT room now...

I tell the story of the ding dongs not to illustrate that DH was at one point a gluttonous 10 year old with no self-control, but to say that when you have something crammed down your throat until it makes you sick...any future references to that "something" (be it food, DBT, CBT, a child molester's *body part*, or something else) will be retraumatizing.

That said, as an adult DH can avoid ding dongs for the rest of his life ~ but it seems as though I keep running into the trauma of DBT over and over again. Perhaps there are some concepts of DBT that may have proven helpful to me ~ had I not been forced to eat the entire book at one time. Again, who's to say since it did not happen that way, and as you know, we can't unring the bell.

Now that I know I am not the only one who feels this way about DBT/CBT therapy, I am even more mystified as to how these seemingly intelligent, educated therapists who trained for years and are board certified in psychotherapy...many have even earned the right to call themselves "doctors" cannot see it too and instead continue to cause further damage to this already emotionally volatile population. It both angers and saddens me.

DBT "Counselors" attend a "Support Group" where they meet regularly to support each other as they work with this 'very difficult population' ~ but what about "us" ~ where do we go to deal with the additional trauma of being forced to participate in something we find harmful, retraumatizing and worst case scenario fatal.

We need a support group too. We need to support each other as well deal with the "DBT trauma" and talk about our 'experiences' with the Stepford Marsha and the POD therapists. We need to know that there are other survivors out there who have felt the same way, experienced the same invalidating approaches by the trusted MHPs.

I need DBT Detox and a support group to deal with MY DBT experiences! DBT is not our "last chance" for survival and happiness! In fact, I did not even really think about suicide until my own Stepford Marsha started shoving DBT down my throat.

For all survivors who have been retraumatized by DBT/DBT ~ There is HOPE!
Survivors Against Buckets

Tell what DID work for you on your 'healing journey'!

(if you are interested in posting and sharing your own experiences, please email me and I will add you so you can post)

*Execution Boundary* card says, "Climb aboard the DBT Cruise Ship or else..."

To The Therapist:
You have pulled out the *Execution Boundary* card ~ stating if I do not do DBT we can no longer work together. You are determined and confident that the DBT path is the right one and I am equally indomitable that I will not go down that path again. As I see it, this leaves us in an irresolvable divergence. A kind of crossroads. And now I am told that if I do not try harder, if I do not consent to DBT, that you will no longer work with me, thereby reinforcing my ingrained thoughts of badness, and being cast out…that no one can ever be trusted to know my “true” feelings or they will call me bad.

I hear your powerful word as threats and I do not believe that being coerced into a treatment I do not agree with is acceptable. Your dramatic shifting, changing and tightening of your boundaries has acted as a cathexis feeding my fear of your abandonment and increasing my regressive behaviors. This, in turn, has lead to resentment and further emotional unavailability from you, which leads to further self destruction of myself.

No, I am not yet, ‘on board’ with your thoughts and sermonizing of DBT. I will never be on board with DBT, not last year, not today, not tomorrow…it will never come to pass. Just as you have your boundaries and limitations, I have mine. Despite what you might think, I do know myself, and I also know that if I allow myself to step into the ring of DBT with you as the ring leader, it will lead to further demolition of me, as well as what is left of our therapeutic relationship. And I will not allow that to happen. I cannot and I will not.

The words of old DT resound inside my psyche, (“I am here and you are here and you are not alone.”) ~ but the words of the new T (“Well, we are all really alone, are we not?”) now overshadow and silhouette the words of old, making the old feel quite past tense. In a literal way, they are no longer a part of me, but instead part of a history that seemingly played out in a parallel universe. If I am truly alone in this, from a therapeutic standpoint, I choose to be completely alone in this rather than try to fight to find the therapeutic relationship of ‘old’.

ALL ABOARD!

NOT THIS TIME!

I find it remarkable that as I have vehemently denied to accept DBT as a workable solution, you say to me, “I understand from our session today that you are still thinking about all this and as of yet, not yet on board”. And it has become very clear to me that you are not leaving the therapeutic port unless it is on the luxury ship of DBT. And this should come as no surprise to you, but just as you left me behind when your life changed, you will also be leaving me behind now, when you, Marsha, CLF and the other fine MHPs push off and begin your journey to the Island of Shut UP & Behave. If you look back, you will find me standing on the dock waving goodbye to you and your cohorts as I have no yearning, or intention, of visiting the Island. From what you have expressed to me, DBT is something you have learned and choose to practice, and as happy as I am that you are on an ongoing expedition to learn more about your chosen field I cannot be your experimental patient. I hope that you can respect my own quest for what I believe I need for me on my own journey, and although, like you, I am still learning, I do know that DBT is not a choice for me; nor will I “practice” it with you.

I am sorry and hurt that although you tell me I am ‘in charge’ of my own healing, it seems as though that is really not the case. And it saddens me that I laid out my traumatic past before you to bear witness and now I feel I am walking away even more traumatized for trusting someone else to care and support me as I try to overcome the past. This is not about me and my healing as much as it is about your continuing to shamelessly press DBT upon me (which is really not unlike a man pressing himself upon me insidiously until I can no longer fight and just give in…). You know this to be a weakness of mine, and perhaps you are playing on that as you say “not yet on board” …. As my past has demonstrated that eventually I will just agree to do something because I am tired of saying no, and I am not worth the trouble of the continued fight.
I will not do that now. I have, I will, and I do say no, and I will not be coerced, shamed, forced, pressured, intimidated or bullied into a program I do not believe in. Even if that does mean you pull out the “Execution Boundary Card”.

I cannot and I will not....

DBT (Yes! AGAIN!) Help? or Hinder? in healing process *Opinions please....

I had a discussion with someone about DBT this afternoon and during the discussion I mentioned that I think DBT actually triggers me MORE than the "symptoms"~ and I mentioned that I know 'others' out there who feel the same way.

So my 'discussion partner' said to me that perhaps only those who agree with my "opinion" of (let me be polite for once) Marsha Linehan and her "program to help the unhelpable" DBT ~ will tell how they feel about the program.

So...I'm posting this because I want to hear from anyone and everyone who is a survivor of CSA/CA and have an opinion (good OR bad) about DBT as well as any thoughts in general about DBT.

Please, do tell.....
I will now *distract* myself and await your responses

Half-smiling your way!
~ Grace

Use Broken Glass to Purify and Heal (could trigger)

The Yogi believe that walking or laying on broken glass can actually help with blood circulation, heal heart related ailments, kidney problems, nervous system ailments and paralysis. The deeper the glass penetrates the more relaxed you will feel!

The ad I read beckons the question: Why walk on broken glass? Why not!

"Face your fears. Stimulate your body. Healing. Empower your self with a key to do anything you wish!"

I am S-O-L-D! And luckily I have a TON of broken glass hidden all over the house! My panic and fear reactions are (according to DT) deeply embedded in my mid-brain and they elicit sensations and central nervous systems that feel *real-time* based. God! MY central nervous system is on overdrive!

I'm going to set all the glass out, and tonight when I dissociate I will walk on the glass and see if it helps me "face my fears"! Well, okay, my *perceived* fears ~ non-reality based fears...take over.

Even if it doesn't work - it certainly can't be any more damaging than DBT, right? And a hell of a lot cheaper!

"Grace, how was the SI while I was gone?"

I need you to NOT ask that question, Ms. Obvious. I realize I’m not always the best communicator with respect to “our therapeutic relationship”, but if memory serves me correctly (and we both know that I don’t forget ANYTHING), I told you, in a very direct way, that I was NOT in a good place, that I was NOT going to be able to ‘cope’ well, so don’t waste my time by asking questions that have ‘obvious’ answers. Even if you ask the question, I won’t answer you, I’ll throw the question in the bucket labeled “speak no evil” and wait for the next one.

Let me see if I can ‘analyze’ your reaction to the SI question:
“Grace, I think you need to go back to DBT.” *SHUT UP & BEHAVE*
“Grace, I think you need to go see PDOC. Clearly, if you’re displaying behavior I find disturbing, then I question the ‘level’ of your medication, or if they are even the right ones.” *SHUT UP or DRUG UP*

Or perhaps you will ‘exercise your right’ to slap my ass in the hospital…which, you yourself has said, is the “ultimate in disempowerment.” Hum, interesting choice of words. Don’t you think I’ve already experienced the “ultimate in disempowerment”? Yes, I will admit; that would be pretty devastating, probably much worse than DBT. The ‘ultimate in disempowerment’ ~ forced to do something against my will, held down and given mind-numbing tranquilizers so I cannot fight, or express behavior that is ‘unacceptable’ to you? Yeah, DT, that wouldn’t be traumatizing at all. Of course, it would make YOU feel better, under the guise that you’re doing it to *keep me alive*.

But let me remind you that you also said: “It must also be difficult to put together the idea that I care, but yet not be willing to stretch my limits after 10, let alone be unable to keep you safe when you are grappling with the thoughts of ending your life.”

Yeah, that seems fair…you get to talk out of both sides of your mouth and I get fucked…

AGAIN!

Now where the hell did I put those "buckets"?

....If only I could find those damn "feeling" buckets, I just KNOW I would feel better!
When I was taking DBT classes (complete waste of $$money$$). Very invalidating to be told to SHUT UP & BEHAVE...especially since that was the 'motto' that was branded into my body and mind as a child. In my opinion, DBT actually does more harm than good for abuse survivors...but that's a 'speech' for another day.

There was a 'group member' who joined the classes who CLEARLY was 'ordered' to attend the classes, and was unable to hide her disdain during the class. During the 3 weeks she graced us with her presence, the air was thick with friction. She flat-out refused to participate at all, and actually sat in the corner, physically turned toward the wall, as though she was a defiant 3 year old. DBTC believed that everyone should be accepted 'as they are' so although everyone noticed, it was 'accepted' by DBTC and the class. Well, everyone except 'unmedicated bipolar' group member...who was clearly 'emotionally disregulated' by anti-social girl's non-participation. A lot of things emotionally disregulated 'unmedicated bipolar' so I was not surprised when she expressed her 'concern'. DBTC told 'UBP' that 'ASG' is accepted in the group, as she is, and perhaps 'UBP' should look at her own 'emotion regulation skilss' and not let it bother her so much. DTBC said this a lot to UBP.

At the beginning of each class, we did a "mindfulness" exercise...(again, my opinion of these exercises are for another post)... One of the mindfulness exercises was to "watch" your feelings, as they moved down a conveyor belt, label them, and place them in labeled buckets. I swear I am not making this up. WTF! Marsha-Marsha-Marsha, said, "Don't attach to them, just observe the feeling and place it in the corresponding bucket." Perhaps she learned this exercise in her convent. Being the diligent 'student' that I am...I spent this time looking around the class, watching the other group members because I thought ALL of the mindfulness exercises were a colossal waste of my time :-).

After each 'mindfulness' exercise, we would go around the room and talk about our 'experience' of the exercise. Always a good time! Now, I don't know if anti-social took to heart unmed bipolar's comment, or if she would have commented anyway, but this is what she shared about her experience of the exercise:

"I pictured myself sitting in a chair with my feet up, drinking a beer, as the shit just fell off the conveyor belt onto the floor."

I thought it was HILARIOUS! DBTC was not amused, but 'accepted' what she had to say.
Clearly, another example of the effectiveness of the flying nun's "Shut up & Behave" program.

It's not that I lie to you ~ it's more of a sinful omission

I don't "LIE" to DT, but I do purposely leave out information (that perhaps she might deem important in this "process") out of fear.

DT and I talked about this on Monday. I do withhold information about some of the night time coping activities that take place...but I do it out of fear. Fear that she will make me go to some unhelpful class (DBT/CBT) that actually does more harm than good, or slap my ass in the hospital. This discussion was started by her when she said, "Grace, I didn't receive emails from you this past weekend."

Well, that's because I'm trying to be a good girl, DT. So you don't get mad.

I reminded her of the past and how she DID make me go to DBT, tell me we needed to "explore" the hospital (yeah - a grand tour that ends with one of us (her leaving) and the other staying to be "explored"), or that I am too reliant on email communication. I can't forget this, especially the angry teenager. And she reminds the rest of us of this past communication on a regular basis. And this leads to (perhaps/maybe/how do I know) important information being omitted by Grace. React out of fear.

DT, here are your reminders, your words, leading to my reservations of being "honest" about certain things:
** I also insist that we develop some ways for you to get your SI/cutting in control and Alcohol consumption eliminated. This is paramount.
** DBT skills training could be of great use to you .
** DBT is important and a critical place for attention to be focused in terms of making progress and creating greater stabilization of the most troubling persistent "urges".
** I ask that you study the DBT material and make a point of setting daily goals/tasks of practicing certain elements of the "modules".
** This is basic and critical DBT strategies...
** ...more focused structure and attention to the application of DBT skills
** DBT training is the wisest decision at this point
** Try to remember the info I gave you…distraction skills (DBT skills and info). These are important for when you are flooded by negative emotions.
** Acting out your anger in a manner that is very dangerous to you will cause me to have to take measures I dont think really needs to occur. If you are so distraught that you want to take actions that could have potentially life threatening consequences then you must go to the ER.
** I NEVER want to exercise the decision to hospitalize someone against their will because it is the ultimate in disempowerment. If someone becomes so disabled and unstable by their mental and emotional state, then I have to take action. This is never a punishment, though I realize that often people resent it greatly.
** If you are suicidal, then i will need to assess your suicide risk and take measures. ....
** It is either this, or we explore the hospital.

The above examples are why I omit information.
If I told you that last Wednesday I cut my wrist a millimeter away from the radial artery...the entire time a booming voice telling me to move just a little to the right. If I told you that, what would you do?

Yeah, I know what would happen, and that's why I didn't tell you.

Yes! I rubbed a Buddha's belly on Monday and I've BEEN HEALED! What a bunch of "psycho-babble" bullshit!

Grace, I hope that this week has provided you a bit more solace from the evening hatred and loneliness. Sorry if the last email was a bit too spiritually oriented. Essentially, it was just another "cognitive" intervention (psych lingo) in a spiritual framework, designed to keep you asking questions to better understand the pros, cons and meaning, etc. of engaging in ultra harsh self denigration. I realize right now it may feel like there are some pros to this....but just want to keep looking at these things....DT

WTF does that mean? “pros to engaging in ultra harsh self-denigration”... Does that mean I “attack my own character or reputation” Are you saying I am criticizing myself on purpose because I want to feel bad???? Yes, DT…I CUT myself on purpose! I drink myself into a non-feeling stupor, and take too many ativan and seroquel because I want to die…YES!!! GOD!!! You’re so “insightful”… I didn’t even realize it until you just said that, but YES! I rubbed a Buddha belly on Monday and I’ve been HEALED!! Now I couldn’t love myself more! And I “love and cuddle” the “little Grace” (you know, the 5 year old DFW!) she’s so sweet and innocent… NOT!

Gee, I’m so sorry I’m not as “well adjusted” and full of “self-love” as you are. Here’s the deal: when you’re told that you’re “worthless” and “lazy” and “hated” your entire childhood – you actually begin to believe it’s true!!! And I don’t think the spiritual Buddhists are going to “heal” me into self-love with their “3-doors” BS! But, again, I stand firm on my affirmation that I’ll rub a Buddhist's belly a million times before I’d go back to DBT!

I’m sure when you wrote the above; your well adjusted, self-loving confident, educated, gorgeous, witty…full-fucking package self…was just trying to be helpful, “in the limited ways that you can” (addendum to be added to each phrase the great and powerful DT mutters, as of July 2008). And thanks for the 10 word email too…as you were probably running out the door saying, “Shit, that inconvenient self-hating, high-maintenance, terminally mentally ill, patient may actually kill herself if I don’t follow through and send her an email as I agreed to do on Mon, Wed & Friday..(we both remember what occurred the last time you “forgot”).

You know, I find it ironic that even though you have said (on several occasions): “I realize that just because you are limiting and censoring the nature of your emails, does not mean that you are feeling or doing any better.” And “ I know that when you are not in a "cry of distress' to me (as you have put it), you are hurting and struggling.” And, “. I know that when you don't email or call is not always an indication that you are "doing ok".”

REALLY??? Because I haven’t emailed you all week, and it appears as though you’ve forgotten already!!!! That’s unreal! You think because I haven’t “emailed” you all week that I haven’t thought of killing myself every single night??? Oh, contraire', DT!

And, again, let me state, that I KNOW what my ultimate “demise” will be, I accept it…and I hope you are insightful enough to know, that when it happens, it will not be a shock to you! As I have told you 1000 times (probably more), eventually, it will happen! Eventually, the pain will become too great and it WILL end for me! Be it tonight, or tomorrow, next week, next month. It WILL happen!

But you go ahead and keep your “pink-tinged” glasses on DT…and see what you want to see…but don’t be “surprised” if, sometime soon, I neglect to show up to an “appointment” because I’m NO LONGER HERE! You are UNBELIEVABLE! But of course, it makes it easier for you…which is why I’ve stopped emailing you. No need for you to “work off the clock” after all you get paid by the “hour”. (Again, I adapt well to the "needs" of others...even YOU). So, go ahead and believe what you want to believe. I’m already dead. Just because I don’t email you, or call you, or cry out for you, like I have done for the past 3 years…doesn’t mean I’m any better…I’m still dead. You just don’t know it!

Just when I think you may actually "get it" - you say something completely asinine! So, I see your spiritual BS and I raise you 3 vodka shots (Belvedere, of course - only the best!), 6 ativan, and 2 razors! You wanna "fold" yet?

You’re BEAUTIFUL!

P.S. "All day I think about it, then at night I say it. Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing? I have no idea. My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that, and I intend to end up there.” Jalal ad-Din Rumi ...just a quote from your "spiritual hero"...(Yes, I intend to end up there too!)

You put your ativan in my altoids! No, you put your altoids in my ativan!

Someone mixed my mind-numbing drugs in with my curiously strong breath-mints, leaving me in a state of minty-breath, drunken, numbness all weekend l-o-n-g! Okay, that's not entirely accurate. The 'numbness' was due to the the excessive amounts of ativan, the 'drunkenness' was likely due to the abundant amount of grey goose...and well...the minty breath was because of the curiously strong breath mints.

And I'm pretty sure my dear daughter's friend was happy to return to her calming home environment after watching me dance around the kitchen with headphones on singing Avril Lavigne, "Girlfriend" while cleaning the kitchen which was left in shambles by 4 children making sundaes ~ with all the toppings! (Minimal cherries though...I snuck some of them out to go with the vodka/cranberry juice). God says to do your *chores* with a happy heart ~ hey - maybe that's where Marsha-Marsha-Marsha got her half/smile bullshit...she is, after all, the flying nun! For the record, while singing, I did leave out the expletives...so as long as she is unable to read lips, we're good. And surely, if I had loudly proclaimed, "Hell yeah, I'm the mother fucking princess," I would have received a phone call from her mother by now.

Once the music stops...the voices start! Enter: ATIVAN COCKTAIL

No need to separate them now! They're as good as reese's peanut butter cups! I proclaim LOUDLY! Mix ALL your ativan with your altoids! Then, if you OD, stop breathing, and someone finds you and proceeds to try CPR~ despite the fact that you haven't showered or brushed your teeth in 2 days~ your breath will falsify the documents because your breath will smell like peppermint...and Grey Goose.

Does Grey Goose come in peppermint flavor?

Give me a break! And I don't mean break me off a piece of your "Kit-Kat" bar!

You know what really makes me laugh? The fact that you had the nerve to say that you made me go to DBT under the premise that I had no skills and might off myself and you were "concerned".

“Grace, we cannot do trauma processing until you have the skills to regulate your emotions.” WHAT? Do you not see that you telling me I have no “skills” is a validation of him telling me I’m stupid. You telling me I should shut up and behave is him telling me I’m worthless and have nothing valuable to contribute. And I should shut up or be beaten!

Don’t you get it? You preached DBT for so long, you say you didn’t *make* me go to the classes, but, in my world, that’s no different than trying to fight, but never being heard, and the fighting just makes it worse (he beat me/fucked me ~ you “changed” your rules) so I roll over and take it. Because obviously I am stupid and worthless and I should shut up because I don’t know what’s best for me.

And now ANYTHING that resembles DBT is like the smell of bleach to me. Can you hear that? You forced it on me for so long last year that I finally realized that fighting you wouldn’t do any good anymore – so I rolled over – paid the 2 grand so I could feel Marsha Linehan’s dick shoved down my throat instead of my father’s!

Perhaps if I hadn’t had my *fill* of my father, I could maybe have sex like a normal person – you know…sober! I could actually FEEL intimacy, have someone embrace me and not think they want to hurt me. I could stay present and not dissociate every day and night to escape the flashbacks and nightmares, the anxiety and fear. I could put bleach in the washer without vomiting. And maybe if I hadn’t felt *threatened* by you with the DBT shit, then maybe I could take some of the tools in without throwing up in my mouth or wanting to ram my head into a wall. But I can’t!

So if DBT is the only road out of this hell, we should just pack it up now, DT, because it ain’t going to happen. Can you hear that? What? You were “concerned” about my *skills* and my “ability to keep myself safe last year”…well, guess what? Now ANYTHING that resembles DBT sends me into a fit of rage, complimented by some sort of "self-injury". And I am WAY closer to the edge than you think - but you sure don't seem so "concerned" now, do you? I guess there's a "time limit" on concern... OR! **Grace is thinking bad thoughts about DTs changes coinciding w/her newfound relationship – but she isn't allowed to say that** Because guess what...just because you don't "help" me at night anymore, and just because you refuse to call me back when you're @ the hospital or "busy" - doesn't mean the shit fucking stops for me! Gee, DT, if a tree falls in the forest does it still make a sound even if no one is in the forest?

And as *maladaptive* as that may seem to you – well, I guess the only thing I can “offer” in response is: I’m a crazy bitch! If I were normal I wouldn’t need therapy at all, would I?

Give me a BREAK! And I don't mean break me off a piece of that kit-kat bar!

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Maybe a new therapeutic approach is needed...I feel possessed!

DT: As you know, I'm not really an expert in the field of theology; however, perhaps I'm still struggling so much because we are going down the wrong therapeutic path. I don't think DBT or drugs, or even EMDR are the answers to my overall "problems". I think the answer might be for us to work with a demonologist and/or an exorcist- to get these crazy people out of my body. I have rummaging around the internet and there are some experts in this field! I suggest we contact them and inquire about the services they offer! Because it is truly like the Amityville Horror inside my head! And I’m pretty sure the gateway to hell is running right through the center of my body! I am tormented and terrorized every single night! And I think this is something we need to investigate tout de’ suite! Before it’s too late! I say that I need the help of a demonologist ‘humorously’ because in all honesty, if I don’t interject some humor into how I truly feel possessed, then I will listen to the ‘bad voices’. And I also say it because I am truly at a loss for what else to try at night when I am possessed by him, by them…when I am no longer in control!

And if I were truly a Haunted House, what would be the logical steps to take? Call in a priest or a Demonologist, or BOTH~ to try to get rid of the ghosts and reinstate a sense of peace. If you have another suggestion, and believe an exorcism to be extreme, I am all for it! But I need something to quiet the conflict in my head, I need something to alleviate the pain inside of my body…and I need to happen soon!

I am not alright. I am certainly not *normal* and I don’t know what else to do…

You don't "understand" or "realize" how "difficult" it is...You have no idea!

DT tells me: Yes, I know that you are still in a he** of alot of pain. I realize that just because you are limiting and censoring the nature of your emails, does not mean that you are feeling or doing any better
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
DT said: I wanted to acknowledge your email…I hear how you are working at soothing yourself and "riding the waves" as I say. I know that when you don't email or call is not always an indication that you are "doing ok". If fact, I realize that you are working hard at learning how to live with the big ups and downs of trauma memories/belies and strong emotions
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
DT "recognizes: While I realize that in your emails you have often asked me to not state that I recognize how hard some nights can be, like last night, I am going to at least acknowledge it. I know that there are many, many nights in which you see yourself with very few options to "get through the nights", so I simply want you to remember that I have not forgotten this.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
DT validates my *reality* I recognize you had a VERY difficult night last night. I realize that you still weigh the options of living vs dying and that this continues to plague you on a daily basis.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

DT, I really do appreciate your ‘support’, ‘in the limited ways that you can’ – but really, as far as the nightly ritual that goes on for me…you don’t “realize” anything, so, please do not say any of the following when speaking to me about my nights in hell, of which you truly no nothing about: Understand, Recognize, Know….because I find it mocking, in a “yeah, yeah, I get it – you’re in *pain* thinking about killing yourself…I get it – now STFU about it!” *DT eye roll*

You don't "realize" or "understand" it at all, DT. You used to be there when the 5 year old baby would reach for you, but then you decided that you shouldn’t be – so you are no longer there when she reaches for you. Like, we’ve been there, DT….So, since you are NOT there, with me, in hell – nightly – and I don’t really email you or speak of it right now - I’d like it if you didn’t say that you “understand my nightly pain” – if you wouldn’t mind. Because you’re “pretending to understand” or trying to “validate” what I go through at night – probably has the opposite effect on me than the message you intend. I think it's best if I just continue to do what I do what I have to do to "get through" the night - until I make the decision that I can't anymore - and not provide detail of what that is - or if it's "better" or "worse" than before (out of fear of your “changes”) and you just let it be - because to say you realize it? Well, that really isn't true...at least from my perspective.

And for the record, when you say, "You don't have to hurt yourself before you go to bed." It just pisses me off – because really – you’re not *here* with us, so how would you know what we “have” to do? I get that you just try to give me "hope" by saying that - but it doesn't work - there's no hope at night - I just roll the dice and whatever happens/happens. When the tornados are swirling all around me, and the winds are blowing 80MPH, and I'm being hit with sharp objects - I don't care how many times you try to give me "hope" - in those moments, hope doesn't come into play.

So as I have explained to you, I will respect your new boundaries and 'limitations' – of not being there for me at night…you know, because now you have a boyfriend who needs your attention... Just as you "pretend" to accept me. I get it!
You need your "DF-Free space” and I don't need to hear the bullshit of "if you can't keep yourself safe, I will have to take measures"
"you must go to DBT"
"I won't email""go have some tea"
"shut up or drug up"
blah blah blah
yada yada yada

For the record, I will tell you that I did try the "ice cube" thing last night - and um, sorry to report that it doesn't work the way Marsha said it would. - so I can't endorse it.

I do appreciate what you do to try to help me, but I also recognize that you may change or be gone tomorrow - so I "trust" you in the "limited ways that I can" - not like before - nor will I ever trust you like I did before you changed, never again! It's your "job" to listen and pretend not to judge and act like you "care", nod empathetically, and tell me I'm not a "bad" person...and I, "the client" am supposed to somehow incorporate into my brain that because you "pretend" to care and accept me, that I should "accept" myself too - and allow others "in" because somehow the fact that I pay you to listen and validate and care about the 'uncarable' - is supposed to help me 'accept' myself. Thank you for helping me understand all that. It's better that way. The stupid little 5 year old whore is kind of getting it that she can't depend on you to 'help' her anymore at night - and soon she'll shut the hell up - and understand that she can't depend on anyone, ever, ever, ever! And anyone who actually tries to get her to depend upon them is a fucking liar!

So i think we're good now…DT…

But, please, no more that you "understand" or "realize" what I "feel" at night - that would be like me telling a Holocaust survivor that I "understand" and "realize" how painful it was to live in a concentration camp. You know NOTHING of the horror that goes on for me in the dark – so don’t say you do!

Kewl?

Thanks for *hearing* me, ~ Grace

Words Grace typed to DT, but erased and did not say:
Its no different now then it was then. Not really. Just try to breathe- sometimes pretend you're somewhere else- pray for a moment of peace- and start all over again. Wish there was someone to help- all the while realizing that there isn't. Its no different now. Sometimes I forget how much it sucked- how much it hurt. But I get to be reminded every night.

What not to wear! 'NUF SAID

What? I don't anyone would say that...and missing 1 day of your "meds" isnt' going to make you crazy

IRRITATING COMMENT # 1

Annoying co-worker had surgery on his wrist a month ago...seriously, arthroscopic surgery...and he whines all the time! Last week he told me that we went to the grocery w/o his 'arm brace' on and the checker asked him if he tried to 'commit suicide'.

Seriously?
I doubt anyone would ever ask someone that.
I have scars from my wrists to my elbows and not one person has EVER asked me if I have tried to commit suicide. And I HAVE tried it!
Get a Clue! Give me a Break! And Leave me Alone!

IRRITATING COMMENT # 2

co-worker complaining about woman who works in another office (and I'll admit she is a bit 'emotionally disregulated' - but she probably hasn't been to DBT - cuz we all know that will level out the old emotions no one wants!
Annoying co-worker says, "God, She must have forgotten to take her meds today."
Really? Because I don't think missing 1 day of medication (If she is even on medication! Rude ass!) is going to send her over the top.

Get a clue insensitive prick!

What happens in the dark, stays in the dark...Like Vegas

Grace,
I realize that it feels like so many things have changed re: our therapeutic relationship and that this has caused you to feel a need to change how and what you express about yourself. Naturally you are going to question my reliability, safety, willingness, etc. Please try not to lose sight of the fact that I am still the same person who seeks to help you find more compassion for yourself and less judgment, as well as methods of "healing" that allow you self respect, empowerment and reasonable expectations from others and yourself.

I welcome your expressions of who you are, were, will be....be that in sessions, emails or voice mails.

So, again, I reiterate, that I will continue to stay with you in this journey you and I are on, while recognizing that change is part of "life". I know you are hurting, struggling, working intensely at this journey for yourself. I understand that most nights there is an intense pull to hurt yourself or express rage before sleep - coming from a place of fear - this can produce a sense of relief/release and/or power/safety. There is no place for shame in this, simply understanding, compassion and persistence toward building new experiences and beliefs. OK? Feeling "defeated" is temporary and you will discover another piece to the puzzle cause the pieces are around. They just aren't understandable with the current pieces you have in place.

G-night Grace,
DT
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dear DT:
You declare: I welcome your expressions of who you are, were, will be....be that in sessions, emails or voice mails.
And I retort: the more honest, trusting, ‘open’ & vulnerable I became, the more you “changed” things and (seemingly) implemented restrictions and limitations during a time I felt like I need the direction the most. Therefore, I, as you say, “feel a need to change how and what you (I) express”.

I do not ‘question’ who you are, or your ‘desire’ to help me, or your ‘care’ - and conceivably you could be the same person now that you have always been – and possibly my ‘vision’ of who I *thought* you were then was inaccurate. That’s certainly possible.

My life was so much easier when I didn’t let myself ‘feel’ – when I stayed busy, when I could separate myself from the past. I was born an adult and nothing that happened before I was an adult happened to me – she was a different person with a different life – a girl I hated, a girl I still hate. When I feel her, I envision her standing in front of me, in all her 5 year old glory, and I visualize myself punching her in the face and telling her to fuck off and leave me the hell alone! I hate her, I can’t stand her, I don’t accept her, I won’t want to see her, feel her, or be anywhere near her! And neither does anyone else. We hate her! And I don’t want to feel what she feels, I don’t want to see what she shows me – she’s messed up and broken.

And every night when the little lonely, crybaby shows up – the tough angry girl beats the shit out of her! Each night, alone and in the dark, “we handle it” because that’s what we’re supposed to do – so that’s what happens – she has to shut up and we shut her up. Because it’s not like we can reason with her– we can’t say, “You’re ‘ok’, just go to bed, stop crying, no one else is here to help you, you’ll be fine. All is well…” and then everyone holds hands and sings kum-by-ya. It doesn’t work like that. Because truly, no one wants to hear what she has to say…and if we don’t “deal with it” – she’ll cry all night long…and we all know that she could stand on top of mount Everest and scream at the top of her lungs, “HELP ME! I CAN’T DO IT! PLEASE HELP ME! PLEASE KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME! I CAN’T BREATHE!” No one will hear her & no one cares – because frankly, we know that you used to hear her and she would listen to you, she would read what you wrote, she reached out and you’d be there, and she felt comforted and safe…but really, the rest of us hate her and want her to die.

So, each night we try to kill her – and that’s that…and like many things, “it’s out of my control”. And if that sounds like we’re ‘crying for attention’ – well that’s not the case – we are dealing with it. And you won’t hear a ‘peep’ out of that kid, I can guarantee you that! And when angry bitch shows up, she won’t *attack* you - we’ve had that chat… but what happens in the dark of the night stays in the dark of the night. Period... Like Vegas.

So, I appreciate your declaration that you’ll “stay in this” and will again avow that I am crystal clear on your limitations and guidelines and availability, and I will adhere to them, to the best of my ability. But I will state again, that my disclosure of some things, and your reaction to those confessions, did feel like I was being ‘shamed’ by you (DBT, no longer available when you’re working at the hospital, or at night, no email responses (for awhile) only *phone contact*) and your changes, did feel like a lack of compassion…and your persistence in adhering to your strict guidelines did feel like abandonment.

Mostly to that stupid whiny scared little twit of a 5 year old who depended on you, saw you as a sort of mother figure – felt ‘safe’ and ‘calm’ when she would reach for you and you were there. And angry bitch lashed out at you because of the whiny brat crying when you were no longer there because you ‘were’ there and now you’re not and crybaby can’t ‘get’ it and won’t listen to anyone else. But I understand you still care and all that shit….and we’ll take care of the stupid crybaby -the little girl that we still hate – and eventually she’ll get it too – and she’ll finally stop crying for you, and then she’ll shut up for GOOD! So, there – we’ve all worked it out! Is everyone happy? No- but you can’t make everyone happy – right DT?

Sweet Dreams, no Nightmares,
~ Grace