Perhaps DH would like me to complete a "diary card" too?

I haven't been feeling well ~ In "general". The Therapist would ask me to be "specific" if I said that to her and I would say that I have caught the crud from DS. Not a good time to be sick in my business world so since Tuesday I have been working as much as I "can" more at home than in the office.

Unfortunately I still cannot sleep which makes things worse and last night I found myself scared and sick and huddled in my laundry room wrapped in a blanket sobbing for a couple of hours. I don't feel well and I don't have the energy to take care of myself. So I fake it to get through...I used to be an expert at it but have not practiced the skill for awhile so I am now a bit rusty. I'm sure I'll be back in full force fake mode soon...

I haven't eaten since Monday and DH who never notices anything appears to have noticed this. Our conversation yesterday evening went something like this:
DH: Grace, what did you have for lunch today?
Grace: Nothing

DH: What did you eat for dinner?
Grace: Nothing - I'm not hungry.
DH: So basically you haven't eaten today.

Grace goes into defense mode: "Are we seriously going to go there?"
DH: Where? (DH is now standing in the kitchen eating Halloween candy - that was not purchased for him)
Grace: The 'eating' arena. I dont' need a nutritional lecture from you of all people

DH dropped the subject and retired to the man cave...probably to watch an episode of "man vs food"

Grace retired to the bathroom to cry.

Perhaps DH would like me to complete a "Diary Card" as well? Well, sorry - never going to happen. The defiant one is here now dealing with the food issue...now even more determined not to eat because of the DH conversation.

Grace, Why do you feel the need to be defiant and defensive if someone is "concerned"?

Because if I tell the "truth" ~ about how I am really feeling, about how much I am struggling right now? If I say, out loud, that I sometimes want to hurt myself so bad I have to put my head down until it passes... then they will just tell me to shut up, or write it on a diary card, or take more medication...and I don't find that to be helpful at all.

So I will struggle inside and fake Grace will present outside.

But what if I can't see your light?

what if I don't know where to find you?
What if I no longer see you?
And I can't find "YOU" where and who you were.
The 5 year old cries for you every single night?
But we push her away because we know you're no longer here.

We can no longer see your light.
It's not there anymore.
And we miss the old "you"
We miss you!
Athe 5 year old ACHES for you
...but we don't believe you even exist anymore....

What does it all mean anyway?
This is no different than when we were 5 or 10 years old.

We miss you and we love you...but you no longer exist 'here' in our world....
You left us here....and you aren't here anymore
...we can't see your light.
We miss you every day....but we don't see your light....
Can't see it now...DT. So we cry and struggle and fight...
but we do it in silence - just like we did then...because we cannot find "you" anymore.

Imagine if you were: Silent ~ Invisible ~ Unseen ~ Unheard

Imagine you are a child, alone in the darkness, trying to scurry away from the monsters for if they saw you, they would hurt you. You stayed shut up inside yourself, ensuring you did not move, did not look them in the eyes. You pretended it was not painful by going someplace else. Pretenses and secrets were how you hid in the darkness, how you survived. When you were unable to hide, you would smile at others, be thankful and polite…but when others would leave your mind returned to the darkness, the only solitude you had.

Imagine you were invisible and silent, your mouth forced close by others. They did not want to hear you, they could not hear you, they would not allow themselves to see you. If they were to hear you, they would hear themselves stumbling along in the darkness. They would see themselves grasping at the walls to steady their pace. They could not see you, for if they saw you, they would see a reflection of themselves in you, so instead, they threw you into the darkness and they force you to remain there.

Silent
Invisble
Unseen
Unheard